Reopening the wound.

None of this is going to make sense to you if you don’t read these first:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

I have a hard time reading these posts without recalling the absolute anguish I felt while writing them. And, I can’t help dying a little everytime I think about that part of my life. It seems like I am a million miles away from that point of my life. I am so happy with my husband, my family and my life in general. Sure, it has it’s ups and downs. A lot of hard times. But, that’s part of living.

This portion of my life reflects a time when I was dying. Not just physically, but emotionally. I lost a huge part of me during this time. It’s time I can never recapture. I feel a great deal of loss when I read these posts…like a part of me was stolen. And tomorrow, I get to pick that scab back open.

My therapist wants us to “explore” this part of my life. I am not sure how open I am to this exploration. The way I have coped with all the physical and mental abuse inflicted upon me during that time was to vomit it all up on my blog. To have the words there, in black and white, forevermore. If I want to revisit it, I know where to find it. I literally bled on the pages of my blog. I revealed the worst part of my life to people. Basically, I handled it the best way I could…the only way I could see to cope. I supressed a lot of emotion for a long time, let it fester under the surface of my skin.

I feel I have done a lot of suffering at the hands of this man. I don’t want it to continue by revisiting it every so often. However, I know if I don’t deal with it in a more constructive manner, it will continue to own me…to define me.

I can’t have that.

So, tomorrow, in therapy, we are going to start peeling back the layers. I am dreading this session. Literally squirming at the thought of having to tell this story yet again. But, he seems convinced that a lot of the self-destruction I have caused myself as of late is in direct correlation with the abuse I suffered at the hands of this man. His theory is that I became addicted to the pain and the drama, ergo, I am always seeking to replace it in my life.

I disagree…but, on some levels, he may have a valid point.

I never really handled what happened between Tony and myself. Never really dealt with it. I packed it neatly away as just another chapter in my life. I take it out when I feel the need to examine it, but that doesn’t happen often. And, as of late, it hasn’t happened at all.

But it’s always there, just below the surface. And, I do get in touch with it in different ways. Sometimes, a voice, a certain place, a scent…it will transport me back to that time. There is music I can’t listen to because it reminds me of Tony and those years of abuse. There is a certain actor who I can’t bear to look at because he looks so much like Tony. I am very quick tempered when I see a man even get remotely angry with a woman. It makes me insane, fires me up like a rocket. I have no control over it. I have no tolerance for it.

I understand that I was left damaged. The strong woman in me doesn’t care to admit that…but the frail and frightened girl in me knows that I need help in dealing with the monster in my head.

Tomorrow will open up the wound all over again. More than likely, I will cry, which will infuriate me. I will become angry. I know I will become defensive and will probably argue with my therapist at some point. He will try to keep me calm and in my mind, I will feel like I am being manipulated by yet another man. I don’t do very well with men because I always feel they have ulterior motives in everything they say and do. Tony did that to me.

And I hate that after all these years, he still has the power to make me cry.

12 thoughts on “Reopening the wound.

  1. Anonymous

    Thanks for writing all that down. I have just left a man, who while no where near the viciousness of tony, spent a year and a half spending my money, blaming me for his problems, and threatening me with violence if i walked too close to a window with my top off, telling me when i tried to leave that he would ruin my life. when i told him i wanted to break up a few days ago he held me down and grabbed my face, sat on my neck, held my wrist back to show me what he could do until i gave him money. he was too drunk to remember, and since then, in begging me for what he believes he deserves, has alternated between telling me he’s sorry and reminding me that i once hurt him too, and yelling at me that i told friends what happened. i told them so that i couldn’t go back to him without having people to yell at me. he never hits, and doesn’t leave obvious bruises. All of this is besides the point except to say that what you just posted was exactly what i needed to read. Thank you.

  2. Poppy

    I always did wonder while a Long Island girl would be in Florida. Now I know.

    I hope you have inspired at least one person to have the strength to leave their situation.

    And I’m glad you’re still alive. And in therapy. And ready to peel these layers.

  3. cadbury_vw

    i will hold your hand with you through this, CP

    reading your story, and your comments at the time, helped me understand the abusive relationship i was in

    thank-you for your support, and know that your words and your story and your pain and your willingness to share your universe had a real impact in my life and helped me make the initial change in my world

  4. CP

    Anonymous – I am sorry that has happened to you. Abuse is disgusting in any form and you are definately being abused. I hope that you garner the strength that you need to leave this person behind. You don’t deserve that sort of treatment. No one does. Please let me know how it is going for you. I care.

    Poppy – Doing what I can do, one day at a time. Looking VERY much forward to seeing YOU at Adam’s party though! *hugs*

    Cad – We sure have had a lot of ups and downs in the past three or four years, haven’t we? Glad we have been friends straight through and able to give one another the support that we need. I pray for you and think of you and your kids often. You have a friend in Florida, always.


  5. panda_eyed

    CP, you are such an amazing woman. It’s beyond belief that a human being can put another through so much pain and fear. I cried buckets reading your story, and I am in awe of your strength. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through any of that and come out on the other side.

    I’m sorry that these wounds must be reopened again, but I hope that the therapy helps you to deal with the pain. Thanks for having the courage to write so honestly about this on your blog. I know that your story will help women who have been or who are in the same situation. Perhaps it will even give them the courage to up and leave, who knows?

    Stay fabulous xxx

  6. Anonymous

    In a similar space myself, CP. Not easy but something that must be done. Pull back when you need to catch your breath or get through the day. Stay brave.

  7. Lil'Sis

    CP, I remember reading that back when u posted it, I’ve read Cadbury for years too and consider him a friend.
    I don’t know if I ever commented on your blog before but over the years have always checked back on u. I’m glad that you’re working on these deep seeded fears and damage. You are a strong woman who deserves to be free of the crap that relationship left you with. Each day I’m proud of you and your journey, not as a victim but as a survivor. Hang in and good luck with the therapy stuff.

    Lots of Love,

  8. Sarcastica

    CP, you are SO brave. Good luck in therapy, I hope you are able to sort through it all for good and not let it rule you (although to me, it seems like you do a good job of not letting it rule you!)

  9. Anonymous

    Nice fill someone in on and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Say thank you you seeking your information.


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