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Breaking Down the Dr. Drew Controversy

On April 24th, 2014, Dr. Drew spoke with a male caller on his nationally syndicated radio show, Loveline, who was concerned about his girlfriend’s multiple medical disorders, which included, but was not limited to, Interstitial Cystitis, Endometriosis, Lactose Intolerance and “no stomach lining”.  We’re going to leave that last one out of this conversation because a) it is a nonsensical statement from a layman and b) has no bearing on this conversation.  Admittedly, I scoffed at that description much the same way Dr. Drew did.  Anyway, male caller was expressing concern about these multiple maladies his girlfriend had.  Dr. Drew’s reply lit the internet on fire. Dr. Drew goes on to tell the caller these are “functional disorders”.  Basically what that means is, there is something disrupting the normal process of the body, however, everything appears normal and the origin of the disruption cannot be located (remember this statement, it will become very important later).  Dr. Drew then went on to say that those conditions are “garbage can diagnoses”.  As a nurse, I can tell you that that phrase often comes up when one of two things occurs:  Either a) we can’t find a thing wrong with the patient so we give them some fancy word to cling to in an attempt to validate them or b) they are completely and utterly full of shit.  In my entire career as a nurse, I have never once heard any professional I have worked with refer to ANY diagnosis as a garbage can diagnosis.

Drew goes on to say that “garbage can diagnoses” is what you say when you can’t think of anything else to diagnose a patient with.  Technically, that would be correct.  What is INCORRECT, however, is that Interstitial Cystitis and Endometriosis fall into that category.  Let me continue with Dr. Drew’s conversation to the caller before we delve into that piece of garbage can advice.

He then refers to the callers girlfriend as “somatically preoccupied”.  This means that the patient does NOT have a disorder at all, but rather, a psychological disorder that makes them believe something is wrong with them.  At this point, he then goes on to tell the caller that he wonders why she is seeing doctors all the time. (NOTE: Caller NEVER said this at the beginning of his call, this was purely an assumption by Drew at this point).  Caller states that his girlfriend actually rarely goes to see a doctor unless he pushes her to do so, based on her pain.  He says, in the three years they were together, she had only been to the doctor at least twice.  Here is where I side with Dr. Drew, when he goes on to say, “trust me, she saw LOTS of doctors” in her past, as she could not possibly be diagnosed with all those ailments in a mere two visits.  He is absolutely correct on that statement, as the average IC or Endo sufferer usually sees three to four doctors and/or has an average of four visits to doctors and specialists before she is “officially” diagnosed.  I concur with the good doctor on this assessment.

The next statement Drew makes is “was she sexually abused while growing up”?  When the caller states that she suffered some form of sexual abuse, (this occurs LATER in the conversation) he is never clear on what the definition of her sexual abuse was.  Was she raped?  Molested as a child?  Touched inappropriately by a family member or friend?  Or, did her sexual abuse mean she was taken advantage of by an older boyfriend? Did this occur as an adult woman? This abuse she suffered was never made clear, yet Dr. Drew starts to exclaim that he was “MAGICALLY” correct!  (Cue the peacock feathers as he struts around the station!)  However, what IS made clear by the caller is that while Drew is busy crowing over being right, the caller VERY clearly said “not growing up, though”.  This means that Dr. Drew was NOT correct about his assessment that she was abused as a child.  He, however, didn’t bother to expound on that.  Likely, he didn’t even hear the caller saying that, because he was too busy whooping it up for being MAGICALLY right.  And, as we all know, being right is so much more fun than the facts!

The next statement made by Dr. Drew is probably the one I found the most disconcerting of all.  He says:

“And when people have unexplained pain, particularly pelvic pain, it’s called ‘somatoform dissociation‘ and the only way her body, which was suffering during those early experiences, can tell its tale of woe is with pain and she really needs to see a trauma specialist and not a urologist.”

Now, this is where I stop with the verbatim and start being verbose.

First, somatoform dissociation is a nice way of saying, that shit is all in your head, Princess.  But, let’s break down a few things regarding this statement and try to stick to the facts:

  1. Dr. Drew did NOT acknowledge that the caller clearly said she was NOT abused as a child.
  2. Dr. Drew NEVER asked the caller when her symptoms began.  Without this knowledge, how can he make the association between her “abuse” she suffered and when the pelvic issues began?  How could he possibly know if she had these symptoms PRIOR to the abuse she suffered as a child ADULT?
  3. Why would you advise a caller to tell his fiancee that she needs to see a trauma specialist and not a urologist when you have ZERO knowledge of whether or not she has seen a psychiatrist in the past?  You never inquired.  You’re making a lot of assumptions here, Doc.
  4. And this is a biggie:  Interstitial Cystitis and Endometriosis are VERY REAL PHYSICAL DISORDERS.

Now, there were a lot of assumptions made on the part of Dr. Drew throughout this conversation that the caller was never invited to clarify.  However, this podcast sparked outrage in women all over the internet because, bottom line is, we were just set back to the dark ages.  Back to a time when complaints from women regarding pelvic pain meant that we were being “hysterical” (in case you ever wondered where the root of the word “hysterectomy” came from, there ya go, Folks!)  Let’s think for a moment about what could have possibly happened after the caller hung up the phone with Dr. Drew.

HER:  “Honey, my IC is acting up.  I’m in a lot of pain.”
HIM:  “Bullshit, Bitch.  Dr. Drew said it’s all in your head.”

Because THAT is the problem with Interstitial Cystitis in the first place.  It is a very hard disease to diagnose and almost impossible to treat.  There is no cure for this disease.  However, unlike what Dr. Drew seems to believe, it IS an extremely real disorder, one that I have had since the age of 14.  Oh, and let me clarify for the good doctor?  I was NEVER sexually abused as a child.  My symptoms began as a teenager.  Want to explain THAT one, Doc?  For years, I was misdiagnosed as having chronic urinary tract infections despite the fact that there was no infection found in my urine.  Still, doctors would hand me a prescription for antibiotics and send me on my merry way.

I’m not going to get into MY story here and now.  If you want to read about my personal journey with Interstitial Cystitis, you can find it in this article I wrote for POSE Magazine in March of this year.

The point of this breakdown is to make clear that Dr. Drew did not act in a very professional manner when taking this call.  Actually, I am being kind.  He was utterly irresponsible and terribly reckless.

The rest of the radio show segment consists of a bunch of sophomoric talk from Drew’s co host about how unexplained pelvic pain can also be caused by having sex with their guest on the show, Alan Thicke.  Tee Hee.  Let the high fiving and frat boy laughter begin.  Dr. Drew replies “that’s not unexplained, that’s impressive!”  Great, Doctor, because nothing makes a woman happier to have her pain and suffering minimized by a board certified internist and surgeon on a national radio show.  Jokes about “splitting women in half” all over California and corpses left in the wake of their MANLY MAN LIKE PENISES!  Of course, this is called “being Pinksyed”, this phenomenon of huge MANLY MAN PENISES causing inexplicable pelvic pain in women from coast to coast!  ARRRR ARRRR ARRRR (cue chest thumps).  You can hear the podcast in full HERE.  Thank you very much to my friend and fellow endometriosis sufferer, Brandi CK, for posting this and being the first to bring it to national attention.

However, all that said, Dr. Drew did offer his sincerest apologies to the endometriosis community when questioned about it on a segment of “Watch What Happens Live” on BRAVO . What he failed to mention is the interstitial cystitis community. The failure there is that IC is a horrific disease that is very hard to discern from other pelvic disorders without extensive testing. It is very common for most IC sufferers to see multiple doctors before getting an accurate diagnosis. It is also very common for us to be told that the pain is all in our heads. More common still is the recognition that most doctors outside of the specialties of Gynecolgy and Urology, even know what Interstitial Cystitis is.  If I had a dollar for every time I had to educate an emergency room attending physician, well, I’d have lots of dollars.  While Dr. Drew, in an attempt to make “nice nice” with a very angry endo community, did host Dr. Tamar Seckin, noted endometriosis specialist, on his podcast shortly thereafter (Ep. 121), he failed to bring on an interstitial cystitis expert. I suppose this was a step in the right direction. However, this is the second time Dr. Drew has made light of Interstitial Cystitis in a matter of two years. This saddens me, because I have always found Dr. Drew to be a great proponent for women and women’s causes.

Still, despite his claim of “multiple apologies”, there is a very real sense that it smacks of #sorrynotsorry which is very disconcerting to those of us who suffer from these maladies.  And we deserve better.  Much better.

So why do this breakdown?  Because as a nurse, as a sufferer of both endometriosis (who ultimately had a hysterectomy in 2011 due to this disease) and interstitial cystitis, which I have had since the age of 14, I felt an enormous responsibility to change the direction of thinking when it comes to these diseases.  I mean, even my computer doesn’t recognize “endometriosis”, as it keeps trying to change the word to “optometrist”.  Click “add to dictionary” and problem solved.   Oh, if it were only that easy to educate physicians. Click “insert diagnosis into brain”. Downloading education.  Uploading compassion. Problem solved.

Perhaps an “optometrist” is necessary though, as you would have to be blind not to see the facts.  Interstitial cystitis and endometriosis affect millions of women every single year, causing debilitating pain, chronic suffering, fertility issues and depression.  Instead of blinders, I prefer a pair of rose colored glasses and continue my (naive) belief that there will be a cure for IC sometime in the future.  So long as doctors like Dr. Drew continue to get their facts straight and spread truth about this disease instead of conjecture and lies, we might have a fighting chance.

Now, if you’ll excuse me.  I have to pee.

 

The People’s Couch:  People Who Watch People Watching TV

 

Upon hearing the premise, you’d have to say “What an incredible waste of time”.

I mean, why on earth would anyone want to watch a television show that shows other people watching television?  Sure, there’s a slightly voyeuristic appeal to it.  I mean, how often do you get to spy into the private moments of others watching television?  Okay, on Bravo, pretty much daily.  But, this is not your typical reality show fare.

Then again, let’s look at the reality aspect of it and understand that, while unscripted, it’s not entirely reality.  The truth of the matter is, these fine people we are spying on are fully clothed.  Their hair is done.  Their houses are clean.  Now, take a look at yourself while watching late night television.  The likelihood that you are in your sloppy yoga pants, your hair in a scrunchie and dinner dishes still sitting in the sink is probably close to 100%.

However, that doesn’t make The People’s Couch any less unrealistic.  The reason you ARE tuned in is to watch the reactions of a cast of colorful characters making observations about the television shows you already watch.  Do you find yourself screaming at the television during a Real Housewives Reunion?  How about making completely inappropriate jokes during Survivor?  Funny observations during Game of Thrones?

These are the reasons you WANT to watch The People’s Couch.  There is a wonderfully delicious sense of camaraderie watching complete strangers make the same observations you are.  It provides for at least a dozen “laugh out loud” moments during the show.  And, like in real life, there is a cast member for everyone’s taste.

First, there are the families:
The Resnick Family, which includes a dad and his three very sassy daughters.  These girls are incredibly silly but always make great observations with hugely animated gestures.  Once in awhile, we are treated to a visit from mom joining them on the couch.  Still, always a big laugh when dad tries to force his testosterone opinion out among all that estrogen.  Poor guy barely gets a word out between them.

RESNICKS WS 1

The Zeno Family, which consists of Mom Princella and Dad Lamont and their snarky teen son, Rashawn.  Mom and Dad Zeno have been together for a long time, are still hopelessly in love, which makes for a lot of endearing yet embarrassing moments for their 19 year old son.  The star of this show?  Mama Zeno, who will randomly vacillate between interesting commentary, requests for foot massages and, much to Rashawn’s dismay, the sudden need to stand up and twerk.  But, Daddy likes!  Daddy likes!

The People's Couch

The Egber Family, the only family not on a “couch”, Mom Julie and Dad Andrew and their two youngest sons Sam and Jack, snuggle in one helluva large bed and make all sorts of inappropriate comments at the television.  The boys are quick witted, smart and pretty much know everything about everything. The joy in this family comes from Dad, who forever needs to be schooled in pop culture by his precocious sons.  Also, recently?  We’ve discovered that Mom can have quite the potty mouth now and then.  We love her for that!

The People's Couch

Amanda and Kenya, sisters who live together and often the ones providing the greatest laughs because they generally say what you would only dare to be thinking.  Most of their funny happens through twisted faces, rolling eyes, or contorting into crazy yoga type positions when they are cringing in horror.  Also, Kenya’s cry of “AAAH MAN duh!” whenever she is appalled or thoroughly amused.  They are also the favorites of all their fellow cast members!

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Cathy and Destiney, these Persian Princesses are absolutely eye candy.  Two beauties who are often indulging in new beauty products, face masks, wrapped updo hair styles.  Destiney is definitely the more outspoken of the two with Cathy her “straight man”, making dry humor observations of her sisters kooky assessments.  They also are compulsive pillow hoarders.

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Then, we have the friends of The People’s Couch:
“The Boys”, as they are affectionately referred to on Twitter is a group of three beautiful human beings named Blake, Scott and Emerson.  (Sorry, Ladies.  They’re just not that into you)  These three all have experience being in front of the camera before as they are all performers in some right.  All three are funny, sarcastic, flippant and always have some hysterically funny anecdotes to share.

The People's Couch

“The Girls” consist of besties Brandy and Julie.  Both ladies are also comediennes and have worked together often over the years.  You can tell this by the witty repartee that occurs between them.  The non stop banter is enhanced by the presence of their three little doggies and usually, two big glasses of wine.  *clink*  And no, they are NOT a couple, but you would never know.  They finish each others sentences like an old married couple and by sentences.

The People's Couch

Last, but not nearly least, “The Golden Girls”, another set of three besties, however, these dames are forces to be reckoned with.  The Golden Girls consist of Teddi, Ayn and Sue, three “women of a certain age” who watch television together from the comfort of their community couch.  These three are probably the most saucy of the bunch because, face it, when you are a woman of a certain age…you can kind of say whatever the hell you want.

The People's Couch - Season 1

 

Shows that will be watched tonight, April 29th, 2014 will include:
Cutthroat Kitchen, Devious Maids, Long Island Medium, Deadliest Catch, Chrisley Knows Best and Million Dollar Listing New York.

So, if you aren’t watching The People’s Couch, you are missing what has slowly become the overnight sleeper cult sensation of 2014.  Tune in to BRAVO on Tuesday nights at 10 pm for a half an hour of the funniest show you will soon be addicted to.  And stay tuned at the end of tonight’s episode for a VERY special announcement!

Here, have a little taste:

http://www.bravotv.com/the-peoples-couch/season-1/videos/the-people-watch-mdlny

Baby, it’s cold outside…

Baby, it’s COLD outside.  And what does that mean to me?

Usually nothing, as I live in Florida, a winter challenged state down south that doesn’t realize that some of us totally live and die for boot season. It’s everything!  As a native New Yorker of 30 plus years, it is very hard for me to adapt to the fact that there is virtually, no winter in Florida.  However, I don’t let that stop me from being the perfect snow angel once the first cold snap hits.  While I understand that some of you won’t see 62 degrees as a cold snap, this is what I have to live with.  But, you lucky snow bunnies! YOU do not!  And here are the MUST have staples to make your closet a winter wonderland.

One of the most figure flattering pieces you can own is a structured blazer.  For those of you old enough to remember the 80’s, you will recall that the blazer was a staple.  Why?  Two words for you.  Shoulder.  Pads.  Those wild winged shoulders made even the thickest waist look whittled down and oh so slim.  While sadly, the shoulder pads have died with the career of most 80’s bands, the structured look of a well fitted blazer has not.  It is still the best article of clothing for layering, and carving a waistline into your figure.  With skirts, jeans or even leggings, this is the number one piece that any frosty fashionista should have in her closet.

Another hot trend for winter?  The perfect “bow blouse”.  Once upon a time it was a SERIOUS no no for a busty girl to wear a bow blouse.  However, that “rule” has gone out the window along with no white after Labor Day.  Bow blouses are the perfect statement piece for work or for play.  They provide an extra touch of warmth by tying up near a normally exposed neckline.  They can go from the boardroom to cocktails with a quick change of your shoes.  From pencil skirts to pencil thin jeans, this style transitions easily, while making sure you look a perfect mix of modern and classic.  Try one in a deep jewel tone like emerald green or sapphire blue to really put the pop in the winter blahs.

Finally, my favorite new trend for winter is so inappropriate here in Florida, yet I wear it with a look on my face that says, what?  Have you never seen a wide brimmed, floppy suede hat in Fall before?  Yes, wide brimmed hats are back in.  While I have not seen them in at least 4 decades, I personally couldn’t be more thrilled to see them back in style!  Pay you no mind, my petite princesses, to those who say hats should not be worn by the under 5’5 sect!  A wide brimmed hat puts focus back on the prettiest part of you:  your exquisite face!  It ensures that people look you in the high, streamlines your jawline (perfect for those of us who may have an extra chin…or two) and really makes your look stand out in a crowd.  Make sure not to go “summertime straw hat” big for Winter as it will throw your look off balance.  Pair it with a poncho or bat wing top, a long pendant necklace and a pair of flat suede boots for winter for that dreamy, easy 70’s vibe. 

If  it isn’t cold where you live, don’t despair!  It doesn’t mean you can’t wear your favorite winter trends. Just stay away from the over the top winter trends, like furry mittens or thick cashmere scarves.  For those of you whose weather goes from 80 to 18 degrees in the course of a month, then you already know that layering is the key!  Whatever the weather, you will be winter wonderful all season long.  Remember, personal style is an individual as a snowflake.  Each one is unique, so experiment with different looks and trends.  Blend them until you find something that really gives you a signature look all your own.

What’s your favorite tried and true trend for looking like the perfect snow queen all season long?

The Fashion Prediction Issue Circa Spring 2012

Every once in awhile, I get a link in my email from Refinery29, an amazing fashion website.  I tend to hang on to the link of what the “fashion predictions” are for the upcoming year to see if I was right about what I think about it or wrong.  I took some notes back in January about each one of the pics in this slide show and boy oh boy, I am in the WRONG industry.  I called this in the air.

These people should truly look to hire me because boy, did they get it wrong.  Wrong.  WRONG!

So, allow me, now that we are 4 months into the new fashion year, to go through these slideshows photos with you, step by step and give you my time proven wisdom before you end up walking out your door looking like a hot old mess.  I can’t have that. I have to be seen with you people.  I refuse to be seen with you if you look like an extra in a Whitesnake video some 20 years after the fact, okay?

This is for your benefit.  What can I say?  I’m a giver.  Let’s begin.

http://www.refinery29.com/2012-fashion-trend-predictions/slideshow#slide-1

‎1) No. Just no.

2) These do not look good on large breasted or thicker girls. IF you are either of those, do not. If you feel you must though…do it with leggings only. Great look on girls with less shape, gives you some hips if you don’t have any.


3) My best friend is going to laugh about this one. She’ll know why. If you are going to pull of the Betty Page look, please, don’t go the daisy duke, cover me in cherries and cutesy accessory overload. Betty Page did not do that. She did it with class. Look towards Dita Von Teese for the RIGHT way to do Rockabilly with style or you will look like a pornographic anime character.


4) These are fun and will have to hit up our resident glitter bomber, The Jewelry Whore, Herself, to order some in. These are great to trade with friends, very easy to make. I think we should all make shoe themed ones and secret squirrel them to each other in the mail! fun!


5) Thank goodness the days of “just got out of bed” head are over. I have always done “coiffed” whether it was trendy or not, because if you are going out, you should always look “done”…not like you were attacked by a pack of rabid dogs midway through getting ready.


6) OMG. No. Never. Please. Especially if you are over 30. The only time this look is acceptable is if you are at a baseball game and even then, it is still sort of “iffy”.  Please.  Proceed with extreme caution.


7) I have to admit, if these come back into style, I will actually buy a pair…so long as they are glammed up. These were very popular in the 80’s and I loved the added height. However, they must be loaded down with bling.  Get yourself a glue gun and a clue. 


8) IF you are going to do this look, please…do it with stilettos. If you look at the model, it looks like she has 20 feet of torso, and stumps for legs. This is a cute look if you pair it with one of your mans dress shirts, a skinny belt and a chic little fedora. Make it girly with some chandelier earrings or a long pearl necklace…but seriously. Stilettos. Flats will make you look like you have a penis. (refer to model…again).


9) I know we are getting mixed messages here. The shoe designers are screaming COLORS COLORS COLORS! POPS OF COLOR! at us. The runways are screaming NEUTRALS NEUTRALS NEUTRALS. We, however, being the savvy bitches we are, know we can color block our outfits and then, pair a nude shoe…OR, neutral outfits with a colorful shoe. IF you are going to do neutral on neutral…be careful with your whites. Ivory plus cream plus beige can potentially just make you look like you don’t add bleach to your laundry and your whites are dingy. You will end up in Glamor magazine as a “don’t”. Trust me. Lastly, do NOT go all matchy matchy on me.  Try to make it a cardinal rule NOT to match your handbag to your shoes unless your shoes or bag have multiple colors and you are matching a solid to the pattern.  That’s fine.  Do not do solid and solid matching.  Please.  I admit, every once in awhile I take leave of my senses and I do this.  I wholly expect the Fashion Police to jump out of the bushes like Ashton Kutcher and give me a Rodney King beat down when this happens.  I would have earned it if that happens…and so will you.


10) Dear God. No. No.For the love of all things holy…Just No. Especially if you are under 5’5. Also, if you feel you must do this to yourself…if your self loathing runs that deep, please, be kind to yourself and pair with a sandal of the wedge variety. If I see any of you in these with Ugg boots, you will be de-friended immediately. That is all.

So there you go, Bitches. Fashion done right by the Goddess of Glam.  No need to thank me. I am simply here for the benefit of the universe…to keep you fashionable, on trend and most of all?  Keeping you from embarrassing yourself and me.  Trust me.  It’s for your own good.  I may be fat and forty (five) and all, but I know of what I speak.  

Aaaand…you’re welcome.

February Fantasies…

So much has been going on since last year.  So much, in fact, that I haven’t had much time to write in my blog.  And yet, here I am on a Friday night/Saturday morning, 5am in fact, writing with no real goal in mind.

I’ve been working a lot, doing what I love most in the world.  Marketing.  I have been parlaying my social online activities into a job and so far, it’s been pretty successful.  I have an expanding client list, which is always a good thing.  Paychecks are nice.  They allow me shoes.  Lots of shoes.  Not like I couldn’t have lots of shoes before…but there is something liberating about not having to justify my shoe purchases to my husband.  Mind you, he doesn’t inquire.  He frankly couldn’t care less about my shopping habits.  I just always feel the need to explain them away. 

“Oh, these? Yeah, I got them on sale for $blah blah and then I had a Groupon which got me $blah blah off and then, there was an online code for free shipping so they finally came out to $blah blah.”

He always says the same thing.

“Babe, you don’t need to explain these things to me.  If you like them, buy them.”

*sighs*  Never an argument.  Sometimes, I wish he would pull a Ricky Ricardo on me.

“Ceeeeeeee Peeeeeeee!?  ‘Ave jew bin spending all our moneee again?  Ees dat what jew are do-eeng? Jes?”

“Oh no, Hotband!  I deedn’t spend all jor moneeee again!  I got a YOB!”

“A YOB?  Where did jew get a Yob?  Oh Ceee Peeee!  Jew ara bad bad wife! Ay carramba!”

“Waaaaaaaaaaaah.”

(Those of you under the age of 25 will not even remotely get the I Love Lucy references.  Please exit to the left. I have no use for you whippersnappers.)

5 am is a bad time for me to be awake.  There’s lots of infomercials on at 5am.  Lots.  Generally there are two different categories of infomercials.  Things relating to exercise…and everything else.  Things relating to exercise are safe.  NO danger of me ordering that P90X or the Insanity Workout in the middle of the night. (Although, I really want that T-shirt…but according to the commercial, you have to “earn” it.  Screw that shit.  I’ll just buy one.  My body will reveal the truth.  I didn’t earn anything but 5 pounds from the cheese danish I was eating while watching these morons lift chairs over their heads while grunting like wart hogs having coitus.)  It’s the “everything else” that scares my husband.  Everything else includes:  The Instyler.  I really want that fucking thing.  I want to make barrel curls, roll curls, mini flips or straight hair that is polished by the rolling/brushing action.  And ooh…it comes with a second mini rotating Instyler for when I want a tighter curl!  It just may be the most perfect styling tool ever invented!  They said so, so it must be true!

The Instyler: Part hair brush, part masturbation tool.  The possibilities are endless.

Next on my infomercial list?  Wen Hair Care.  Yes, I love Alyssa Milano.  She’s named after my favorite cookie.  (Mmmmm…Milano’s.  Double chocolate please.)  But the Wen Hair Care System says that I don’t have to wash AND condition my hair any more because the non-lathering magic unicorn jizz in the bottle will magically make my hair stunning and glorious just like Alyssa’s.  When I pump a dime size blob in my hand and comb it through, little fairies will dance around my skull, infusing my head with nourishing fairy dust and encasing each strand in their special fairy saliva.  It will be magical!  And all the worlds problems will cease to exist because MY hair will shimmer, shine and bounce.  Presidents and Kings will bow to my whim because my hair is ethereal! 

Chaz Dean: Creator of Wen.  Advocate of the Instyler for off label purposes.

Next on my wish list?  Set It…and Forget it!  Not only is the product awesome, but the name is genius! As a matter of fact, I want this to be my motto in life!  Everything should be that gimmicky.  Work:  Do It…nah, Screw It!  Marriage:  Wed Him…then Bed Him!  Having Kids:  Have Them…then spend the next 18 years of your fucking life biting your nails down to the nub worrying about the dumb little shits turning your hair prematurely gray and gaining 30 pounds in the process.  Hm, okay.  Not everything can be that catchy.  But seriously, how awesome is the concept of slapping some food in an oven and then, leaving it?  You know, while you go out to dinner, because you totally set it…and then, forgot it.  I can see this thing playing a real important role in my life. “Yeah, babe. I did make dinner.  But I forgot it.  Go look in the amazing peek a boo window! It’s in there!  Now, where shall I put these leftovers?”  Everything in life should be so easy.

These chickens are 5 days old!  I totes forgot about them!  

This next one just makes my heart go all aflutter.  It’s the Slap Chop. Waaaaaay before the Shake Weight commercials were around to bring joy to your soul as you diddle your skittle or choke your chicken (you know you do), there was Vince slapping his way into your life.  Vince would slap chop any thing you put in front of him.  Tomatoes?  He’d chop them.  Hard boiled eggs?  He’s gonna slap ’em for ya.  Baby fingers?  Yep, them too.  No more need to put your children in time out.  Just put their little chubby hands on the counter and slap, slap, SLAP your way into obedience!  Vince had no shame.  Not even a few domestic violence charges, drug arrests and prostitutes would stand in the way of Vince slapping his way into your dreams.  I have to be honest…when my grandson was born, I had a fantasy that consisted of Vince in Mohel gear bursting into the labor and delivery room, scooping up Liam and just slap slap slapping his brand new little penis into circumcision submission.  Sadly, my daughter wouldn’t allow me to make this happen.  Something about wanting him to stay out of therapy and actually be able to use his penis some day.  Pfffft.  Wuss.

Hava Tequila.  It vill dull zee pain!  I vill slap slap slappa da penis!

As Vince says, “I can’t do this all night”.  The fantasies are simply endless.  I love me some infomercials.  I probably could go on and on all night…but alas, I have a feeling that this last one just might make Saturday night grandkid sleepover night come to an abrupt halt.  Besides, I have a Pampered Chef chopper.  It doesn’t have the same ring to it.  “Let me Pamper Your Penis”.  Hm.  Maybe I’m wrong about that.  Of course, my all time favorite infomercial is for the Shake Weight.  The male or the female version…which really only boils down to whether you get a pink Shake Weight or a gray Shake Weight.  But I love watching the burly guys on the men’s commercial do the jerk off motion with a straight face.  You know that commercial was made to be soft porn for the gay community.  No straight woman finds that remotely attractive.  Same with the women’s commercial.  You know that straight men who can no longer see their porn channels through the squiggly lines jerk off to the women’s Shake Weight commercials.  Sure, there is the obvious “hot chick holds on to pink phallic thing and jerks it up and down” thing.  But, if you look PAST that to the woman’s chest…you will see tons of jiggling boobage.  That’s where the action is, Kats and Kittens.  They found the jiggliest boobies they could find on 90% perfectly toned women.  I think they probably crop in the jiggle bubbies off of fat chicks and insert them into the videos.  Regardless, I don’t care how it happens, just that it happens.  Plus, infomercials, unlike regular commercials, are 30 joyful minutes long.  Plenty of time for info induced orgasm to take place. 

Now, it’s 6 am.  I totally ruined my alone time with my infomercials.  I think I shall turn in and have sweet dreams of violating Vince with my Instyler, lubing it thoroughly with some Wen and then, listening to Ron Popeil saying “Shove It…You Will Love It” as I burrow it into one of Vince’s orifices. 

A girl can dream, can’t she?