Category Archives: the things I do for you people

The People’s Couch:  People Who Watch People Watching TV

 

Upon hearing the premise, you’d have to say “What an incredible waste of time”.

I mean, why on earth would anyone want to watch a television show that shows other people watching television?  Sure, there’s a slightly voyeuristic appeal to it.  I mean, how often do you get to spy into the private moments of others watching television?  Okay, on Bravo, pretty much daily.  But, this is not your typical reality show fare.

Then again, let’s look at the reality aspect of it and understand that, while unscripted, it’s not entirely reality.  The truth of the matter is, these fine people we are spying on are fully clothed.  Their hair is done.  Their houses are clean.  Now, take a look at yourself while watching late night television.  The likelihood that you are in your sloppy yoga pants, your hair in a scrunchie and dinner dishes still sitting in the sink is probably close to 100%.

However, that doesn’t make The People’s Couch any less unrealistic.  The reason you ARE tuned in is to watch the reactions of a cast of colorful characters making observations about the television shows you already watch.  Do you find yourself screaming at the television during a Real Housewives Reunion?  How about making completely inappropriate jokes during Survivor?  Funny observations during Game of Thrones?

These are the reasons you WANT to watch The People’s Couch.  There is a wonderfully delicious sense of camaraderie watching complete strangers make the same observations you are.  It provides for at least a dozen “laugh out loud” moments during the show.  And, like in real life, there is a cast member for everyone’s taste.

First, there are the families:
The Resnick Family, which includes a dad and his three very sassy daughters.  These girls are incredibly silly but always make great observations with hugely animated gestures.  Once in awhile, we are treated to a visit from mom joining them on the couch.  Still, always a big laugh when dad tries to force his testosterone opinion out among all that estrogen.  Poor guy barely gets a word out between them.

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The Zeno Family, which consists of Mom Princella and Dad Lamont and their snarky teen son, Rashawn.  Mom and Dad Zeno have been together for a long time, are still hopelessly in love, which makes for a lot of endearing yet embarrassing moments for their 19 year old son.  The star of this show?  Mama Zeno, who will randomly vacillate between interesting commentary, requests for foot massages and, much to Rashawn’s dismay, the sudden need to stand up and twerk.  But, Daddy likes!  Daddy likes!

The People's Couch

The Egber Family, the only family not on a “couch”, Mom Julie and Dad Andrew and their two youngest sons Sam and Jack, snuggle in one helluva large bed and make all sorts of inappropriate comments at the television.  The boys are quick witted, smart and pretty much know everything about everything. The joy in this family comes from Dad, who forever needs to be schooled in pop culture by his precocious sons.  Also, recently?  We’ve discovered that Mom can have quite the potty mouth now and then.  We love her for that!

The People's Couch

Amanda and Kenya, sisters who live together and often the ones providing the greatest laughs because they generally say what you would only dare to be thinking.  Most of their funny happens through twisted faces, rolling eyes, or contorting into crazy yoga type positions when they are cringing in horror.  Also, Kenya’s cry of “AAAH MAN duh!” whenever she is appalled or thoroughly amused.  They are also the favorites of all their fellow cast members!

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Cathy and Destiney, these Persian Princesses are absolutely eye candy.  Two beauties who are often indulging in new beauty products, face masks, wrapped updo hair styles.  Destiney is definitely the more outspoken of the two with Cathy her “straight man”, making dry humor observations of her sisters kooky assessments.  They also are compulsive pillow hoarders.

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Then, we have the friends of The People’s Couch:
“The Boys”, as they are affectionately referred to on Twitter is a group of three beautiful human beings named Blake, Scott and Emerson.  (Sorry, Ladies.  They’re just not that into you)  These three all have experience being in front of the camera before as they are all performers in some right.  All three are funny, sarcastic, flippant and always have some hysterically funny anecdotes to share.

The People's Couch

“The Girls” consist of besties Brandy and Julie.  Both ladies are also comediennes and have worked together often over the years.  You can tell this by the witty repartee that occurs between them.  The non stop banter is enhanced by the presence of their three little doggies and usually, two big glasses of wine.  *clink*  And no, they are NOT a couple, but you would never know.  They finish each others sentences like an old married couple and by sentences.

The People's Couch

Last, but not nearly least, “The Golden Girls”, another set of three besties, however, these dames are forces to be reckoned with.  The Golden Girls consist of Teddi, Ayn and Sue, three “women of a certain age” who watch television together from the comfort of their community couch.  These three are probably the most saucy of the bunch because, face it, when you are a woman of a certain age…you can kind of say whatever the hell you want.

The People's Couch - Season 1

 

Shows that will be watched tonight, April 29th, 2014 will include:
Cutthroat Kitchen, Devious Maids, Long Island Medium, Deadliest Catch, Chrisley Knows Best and Million Dollar Listing New York.

So, if you aren’t watching The People’s Couch, you are missing what has slowly become the overnight sleeper cult sensation of 2014.  Tune in to BRAVO on Tuesday nights at 10 pm for a half an hour of the funniest show you will soon be addicted to.  And stay tuned at the end of tonight’s episode for a VERY special announcement!

Here, have a little taste:

http://www.bravotv.com/the-peoples-couch/season-1/videos/the-people-watch-mdlny

We’re talkin’ panties. No boys allowed…

unless you are a cross dresser, transvestite or drag queen.  Although, I would imagine the latter two would already know these tricks.  For some reason, drag queens know more about undergarments than the average biological woman does.

In that case, this article is for you, Frump a Dump.  We’re talking bras and panties here.  Sit back, take notes and then, go evaluate your lingerie drawer.  There will be a quiz at the end of this lecture, Bitches…so absorb!

Those of you who read regularly or know me “in real life” know I am a pretty fashionable chick.  I love fashion. I live for fashion.  I eat, breathe and sleep fashion. The only thing I don’t do is fuck fashion.  I save that kind of love for the Hotband exclusively.  Though, I do make sure to be fashionable WHILE fucking, if that accounts for any thing.  Bra and panties must not necessarily match…but they must be attractive.  Alluring.  Eye candy.

I am a big advocate that sexy starts from the inside out and that goes for clothes too.  If you start with a base of sexy lingerie, your “feel good” will shine through.  It’s always a sexy start to a great outfit.  When you throw on your basic frump a dump white sports bra and a pair of your big ol’ granny panties, you are starting with a canvas that just screams “I am going to feel shitty for the rest of the day.” If you start with a sweet lacy bra and a cute tanga panty or a flirty pair of boy short panties, you are going to have a sexy secret with you all day long.  Plus, you never know when your partner is going to grab hold of you for a “nooner” or a “quickie”.

Do you really wanna be caught out there in a pair of your oldest “Hanes Her Way”, with the tiny hole that lets two or three pubes escape?  The ones with the saggy, worn out elastic around the crotch?  Or, worse still…the ones that you wear during “that time of the month” that have the dark, shadowy remnants of all the times your pad didn’t do its job appropriately?

Don’t look at me like that. You know what I am talking about.  We all have a pair of those.

You should be ashamed of yourself.  Truly.

Once I had my hysterectomy, I threw out every single pair of underwear that qualified as “dust rags”.  Dumped them all.  Any thing that I purchased that came in a five pack?  Gone.  I figured, I am never going to destroy another pair of underwear ever again, ergo, I am going to invest in some of the prettiest panties I have ever owned.  I have tangas, boy shorts, T backs, bikini’s, high waist, french cut…some lacy, some in cotton, some patterned, some solid…but the one thing they all have in common?

They are all sexy.  All of them.  There will never be a time that I will be caught with my “pants down” (pun blatantly obvious) in the underwear department.  Same thing with the bras.  Girls, dump the bras that have twisted wires, an underwire poking through, the one that you pinned together because it’s your favorite.  Get rid of them.  All you need are two basic white bras, four basic nude bras and about four basic black bras.  Those are your staples.  After that, the rest of your bras should look like a circus threw up in your lingerie drawer.  Colors!  Lots and lots of colors!  Sure, with sheer blouses, these don’t work…but how often do you wear sheer blouses?  That’s where your basic colors come in.

And while we are on the subject of basics…here’s a tip for you, Sugar Tits.  White bras should only be worn under white blouses.  That’s it.  End of story.  Any other sheer blouses you own should have a NUDE bra underneath it.  You can even do a nude bra under a white blouse.  Same thing goes for your panties, doll faces.  Do not wear white panties under white pants.  It shows right through and draws a whole lot of attention to spots you don’t want attention drawn to.  Keep it nude.  Nude bras work under everything.  Don’t try to match your bras to your blouses.  For example…if you are wearing a sheer yellow blouse, don’t think you should wear a yellow bra beneath it.  It looks “udderly” ridiculous.  NUDE bras, girls.  Also, please…be mindful of your nipples.  If you have prominent nipples, do not wear a see through bra under your sheer blouses.  In the dim lighting of your bedroom as you dress in the morning, you won’t necessarily be seeing what all your co-workers will be seeing under the fluorescent lighting of your office.

The nude rule under sheer does not apply to black sheer blouses.  One would think this is common sense, but alas, it is not.  Black sheer needs a black bra.  Let me explain why.  We are living in a digital age, girls.  People are snapping photos all the time.  There is a horrible phenomenon called “headlights” and it is no longer the catchphrase for a pair of hardened nipples.  When a camera flash flashes…suddenly, whatever you are wearing beneath the sheer is going to become blatantly apparent.  Worse than your titties showing through your blouse is your bra being too light for the blouse you are wearing.  It makes these two “round disks” of light where your breasts should be.  This will end up on your friends and co-workers Facebook pages with all sorts of ridicule ranging from “nice high beams” to “look into the liiiiiight, Carolann…walk into the light!”

It is important to pay attention to your skin tone when dressing.  And while I am not normally one to endorse products I have not personally used, THIS website, called “My Skins”, offers you the opportunity to either download (not recommended) their color chart or order one by snail mail.  The reason I don’t suggest downloading the skin color chart is because if your computer does not have the right ink or the correct color settings, you are going to get skewed colors.  This chart will help you find the right color undergarment that best matches your skin tone.  If you choose to buy from this site, I will say, they ARE reasonably priced undergarments.  Their panties run to about a 44 inch hip (the XL is too small for me, but might fit some of you chicks with less endowed asses than mine).  Their bras run to a 38D…again, too small for me, but perfect for all of you who can shop Victoria’s Secret.  (You know what her secret is?  She has nothing in my size, that’s her secret.  Bitch.)  But, even if you don’t shop there…you can still use the color chart (free) to be able to match it to undergarments where you do shop.  I personally wear “Cappucino”…which is perfect for my olive skin tone.  Your skin color may vary. 

However, I have truly digressed.

The staples are the staples.  Every girl should have a base undergarment wardrobe that consists of neutrals that always work under the spring and summer lighter colors.  Where the colors come in are under things like tank tops, summer dresses with spaghetti or narrow straps or loose, flowing tunic tops.  There is nothing tackier than your bra straps hanging out from under any of the aforementioned things.  However, the way to go from tasteless to tactful is by using color.  If you are wearing a tank top with narrow straps and you are not a member of the itty bitty titty committee and can’t get away with a tiny bra, no bra or a strapless bra…you want to put on a bra with color in it!  Fun colors!  Wearing an orange tank?  Throw on a yellow bra so that if the shoulder slides away, you are looking at a pretty pop of color, not a dingy white bra strap.  If you make it look like you MEANT to make that sexy little fashion faux pas, it will be interpreted that way.

And, as everyone knows, perception IS reality.

PS:  The “pop of color” undergarment rule applies to casual wear. If you are wearing a chic little black dress or a formal white dress, keep your black undergarments with the LBD and a nude/white undergarment with the white dressy wear.  Do I need to explain this?  From the looks of what I see out there in the world, apparently, I do.

Wearing a black tank top?  Sure, you can grab your basic black bra.  But, if it slides to one side, everyone now sees that your tank doesn’t fit and you are not fooling any one with the black bra on.  Instead, have a hot pink bra on!  Pop of color!  Fun! Flirty!  A hint of color is sexy.  Trying to conceal a tank that is too big on you or doesn’t fit you correctly with a bra of the same color looks exactly that way.  If you have a tank that isn’t fitting you correctly, the correct remedy is…BUY THE RIGHT SIZE, Dumbass.  But, if you insist on wearing an ill fitting ANY thing…let me let you in on a little secret.

Camisoles.  And no, we ain’t talkin’ about your granmama’s camisole.  Not some lacy, slinky thing from the 40’s.  We’re talking a basic, cotton, thin strapped camisole.  Yes, it means layering your bra, your cami and then your tank…but at least you look appropriately dressed and not like you are trying to fit into something that you bought when you were 20 pounds lighter. Use them.  Have them in every color of the rainbow.  They cost barely more than $10 at Old Navy in all size from size 0 all the way up to a size 28. No excuses, girls.  Get them.  Use them.  Please.

The point is, if you start with a sexy base, you will feel good in what you wear all day long.  There is a lot of truth to the adage that beauty comes from the inside.  That applies to your clothing as well.  If you have a sweet little secret under your clothes, you will have a sly smile on your face all day long.  You will have this gorgeous air of confidence and radiance that will make you look tremendously better the whole day through.  When you feel better about what you are wearing, you will walk with an air of confidence that is immediately apparent to others.

You’ll know you’re doing it right if men ask you for your phone number and bitches talk about you behind your back.  And for those of you who are already happily paired off…if your significant other decides to treat you to a little “afternoon delight”, you will already have the right gear for hittin’ the rear, ya know what I’m sayin’? Hm?

Remember, the right ‘tude will put you in the right mood.

And, remember what you’re mama always told you…you want to have on clean underwear if you are ever in an accident…or want to snag yourself a hot paramedic.  Either one works for me.

Stay sexy, bitches.

CP.

Because she needs to know…

Because she has rescued my weakened psyche more times than I can count.
Because she has reached out to me when everyone else has turned their backs.
Because she knows my heart better from 2500 miles away than some people who are right next to me.
Because she understands me, even when I don’t.
Because she makes me throw my head back and laugh.
Because she keeps secrets.
Because she is painfully and brutally honest with me, even when I beg for a lie.
Because she protects me.
Because she gives me advice, unsolicited or not, and I can take it…or not.  And it doesn’t matter.
Because I can give her advice, unsolicited or not, and she can take it…or not.  And it doesn’t matter.
Because she is one of the handful of people I can rely on.
Because she doesn’t let me fall off the deep end without standing close by with a life preserver.
Because I can talk to her any time of day or night and know that I am a welcomed presence.
Because, despite having green eyes, she never looks at me with jealousy.
Because she knows the difference between jealousy and envy…and lets me be envious of her thin bod.
Because she is the only blond I simply cannot make fun of.
Because I like her 95% of the time and the other 5% I forgive her.
Because she likes me 5% of the time and the other 95% she is laughing at me.
Because she knows that orange pants automatically make you a loser.
Because she needs to know that she gets thought of at least once a day by me.
Because I think she is a level of controlled awesome and Canadian coolness that I could never achieve.
Because she needs to know I admire her and always have.
Because she needs to know that the sun has shone a bit warmer since her presence in my life.
Because she needs to know that she’s one of my favorite people in the world.
Because she needs to know…that she is a friend in every sense of the word.
Because she needs to know that I’m not ready to let her go any where.
Because we have a date in 2016.
Because she needs to know…she is loved.

And she always will be.

I love you, J.  Holding your hand across the miles.  Right there with you.  Never letting go.

Ever. 

On second thought…

You don’t deserve that much of my bandwidth.

I’ve given enough of my time and energy to you. It’s all been positive and good and loving.

I’m not going to ruin my track record now because of your shitty life.

You made your bed.  You lie in it.

Stay jealous of me, though.  It might inspire you to reach higher.

Peace.

Focus 52: "April Showers"

Do you have any idea what I went through to get this photograph for you?

I braved “bee hell” to get this picture. I am NO photographer by any means.  Not by a long shot.  But I was trying to get something that included my two favorite colors, and unfortunately, my two favorite colors were smack in the middle of Bumble Bee Haven (aka: The Reason CP Does Not Go Outside).  I am deathly allergic to bees.  I’m not talking about a little swelling, a little itching, a little “ouch.”  I am talking “rush this fat chick the emergency room STAT” kind of allergic.  My throat swells.  I get hives down my throat.  My breathing and my heart rate slows and then, into anaphylactic shock I go. 

The last time I was stung by a bee, I had to have a trach tube inserted into my throat. I was about 7 years old, scarcely remember the incident, but have the tiniest little scar at the base of my neck where a paramedic or doctor sliced open my throat and inserted a tube that saved my life by allowing me to breathe.  Mind you, this is not the rantings of the drama queen you have come to know and love.  This is some true, die hard shit, People.

So, while Anderson Cooper is braving the desert sands of Afghanistan or climbing through the rubble of Haiti to save some random parrot from harm, I am braving the deep tundra of bee hell to appease the owner/operator of the Focus 52 Project to get you the deep, dark lowdown of the flower situation in the month of April here in Central Florida.

I truly deserve a medal for this endeavor, but will accept your love, appreciation and gratitude in lieu of same.

I also accept Paypal.

Is She Out Of Her Mind Edit:  So, I get my flower picture because naturally, April Showers…bring May Flowers, right?  Obvious choice for a photo, no?  I go over to TwoScoopz just to find out that the next Focus 52 project is…yes, you guessed it.  May Flowers.  Well, I’ll tell you what.  Kiss my May Flower ass, Sister.  I am not venturing into the gaping, bee infested maw of gardening HELL to get another flower picture for you.  You’ll have to settle for THIS May Flower:

There you go.  My work here is done.