Category Archives: pain

Judgmental? Party of ONE???

Irony.

It comes in many forms.  Today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter “J” for judgmental. Let me set the scenario up for you.  Actually, lets let Facebook set it up for you, because I am too lazy to do anything but cut and paste.

CP:   Finally got around to doing my instructor evaluation for my humanities professor. I wonder how many times you can say “cock-sucker” before it is deemed socially unacceptable?

Insert various “tee hee” and “Oh, CP you are so funny” comments here. 

Random Friend:  Haha is that Professor Butterfly?


CP:  No, not Butterfly.  Buttefly is AWESOME. I love him. NO, this was S********. Douche canoe. I hate the fucker. I just wrote him an email containing the phrase, “Congratulations. In 20 years of higher education resulting in three degrees, I can honestly say that you are, by far, the worst professor I have ever had in the duration of my scholastic career.”   It felt SO good to say that to him. And I’m not even done with his class!!! LOL So it’s not like I was being passive/aggressive “let me say something shitty because I am never going to see you again.” Not my style. LOL

Now.  Was this a mean-spirited post?  Certainly it was.  I was angry as I have a right to be (explanation coming up) because this man has made my life a living hell for the past couple of weeks.  Besides, am I not entitled to use my Facebook wall to vent my frustrations on?  It IS my wall, after all and while my blog would have been completely suitable, I have not been well enough to sit at the computer for an extended period to make a blog post.  However, to appease my friend, the Angry Greek Goddess, who simply feels the need to know every detail every single time CP loses a few brain cells to the whimsy of her 700 Facebook friends, I am complying with her wish for me to blog this.  Also, she totally accused me of NOT blogging it because I would find “something shiny” that would distract me.  Hence, she will never get a glimpse into the world of Angry CP. 

Suck on that, Greek Goddess.  Posted! In your face, Bitch! 

Anyway, so I’m sitting on line, playing Sorority Life because they have all the good clothes, money, boyfriends and cars and I just have well, okay, the good clothes, money and car.  I also have a husband.  None of those bitches do…so they can suck it too.  All of a sudden, a little notification pops up.  I Haz Da Emailz! Yay!  So I clickity click on my email and I am greeted by THIS letter (unedited except for names redacted):

Random Judgmental Person:  April 14 at 7:35pm

Subject:  your actions.

you may not like what i have to say, however sometimes the truth hurts.

in order to get that albatrose of your back, you must get busy looking at you……not others.
bragging and boasting, even if it is your page, is the ego at work proving that you are so much better than your professor, or whomever else you tell off….
it’s like doing good things for others
do em and then, just be quiet about them…. thats where the gifts, miracles, humilty come from….

i adore you, CP and know you are a good woman.
however your motive and intention WAS TO HURT this teacher, and now you publicly mock him, like a grade school girl.
this really is not how you would like to be treated, is it? even if it were possible that he or she may have “deserved” it…..
no, CP, ….no one wishes to be treated cruely rudely or inhumanely, physically or verbally.

there are other ways to get ones point across that will not be so hurtful, vindictive and smearlike.
i understand it is awesome to be a stand up woman such as yourself…very empowering and attractive. take no crap, but at who’s expense?. squashing people like roaches just because they do not rise up to your standards is not a moral way to live……again, not the way God wishes and hopes for your to live….
Love is always the answer, not hate. No matter what.

I am not judging you, I am however attempting to guide you along in a fashion that allows you, Miss CP goddess herself…………… to think and act instead of not think and react….to have humility and grace, while still take no shit…..
if you choose to keep on with you alone, no mtgs, sponsor or step work and not look really deep inside at YOUR motives…..with being able to admit your faults to another human being, and to make amends……you will no doubt, mark my words, use again. and that would pain me so. It has been proven time and time again that this is the case…….I know I choose not to go that route. It’s a lonely bitter ugly long hard road to hell.

I love you, adore you and pray that you can slow down just for a few moments and see the real deal. I live it every day. I am far from perfect…..I fuck up often, however i do my darndest to not hurt, mame, or smear anyone at all, even if I want to…because it just is wrong.
Love love love u
Random Judgmental Person.



What. The. Fuck?

Now, ya’ll know me.  I am a fire tongued she-devil.  However, I pride myself on the fact that I can take it as well as I can dish it.  I have NO problem whatsoever with her wanting to speak her version of “truth” to me.  I honestly have no problem with anyone who feels the need to point out my various and sundry flaws.  I know they are plentiful and I could probably write the list more accurately than any one.  What I did absolutely find myself livid at was this: 

“…if you choose to keep on with you alone, no mtgs, sponsor or step work and not look really deep inside at YOUR motives…..with being able to admit your faults to another human being, and to make amends……you will no doubt, mark my words, use again.”

Did you just seriously use my SOBRIETY against me?  Did you, you former alcoholic recovering addict AA Nazi, just actually say that if I continued on my “bitter, ugly, long hard road to hell”, I will return to my 25 pill a day drug habit that nearly killed me, destroyed my life and the lives of others.  Did you really just go THERE to make your point?  Wow.  Really?  After some well placed snark on my FB wall while I was contemplating what to say to Ms. Judgey McJudgerson, I came up with the following, thoughtful albeit restrained commentary.  I will refer to her as “RJ” throughout the remainder of this blogpost:

Certifiable Princess:  April 14 at 7:49pm 
 
You are totally judging me, RJ…as you have no clue how this man has made my life a living hell for the past two weeks. Do you know that I have been flat on my back with a broken back? Yes, broken vertebrae in my back. And while all my other professors have done everything they possibly could do to make sure that I maintain my GPA and do not have to drop out of my classes in order to graduate on time, this man has not answered my emails, has REQUIRED my presence in his classroom despite my inability to walk let alone drive, has insulted me, humiliated me by pointing out that “due to one students needs, I will have to change the date of the final exam” and made it virtually impossible for me to be able to complete his coursework.

Because of him, I am losing an ENTIRE semester of school, as I now have to retake the class over the summer in an advanced curriculum setting and my GPA that I have worked brutally hard to maintain for 2 years had just gotten shot to shit. So yes, you ARE judging me…because you are making a statement as to why I was “cruel” or “rude” to someone who has given me nothing but disrespect despite all my best intentions.

I’m sorry, RJ…but your letter was completely out of line. People who are here with me, on a daily basis, in my REAL life know what this man has put me through and all the heartache, tears and headaches…not to mention PHYSICAL pain he has caused me. What I wrote to him, in the grand scheme of things, was actually POLITE with all things considered.

So yes, you are judging…and you have succeeded in making ME feel badly about something I have a RIGHT to be angry about. And, in essence…you just did to me exactly what you told me not to do to someone else. Just because you prefaced it with “you may not like this” and threw in a couple of “i love and adore you” statements doesn’t make what you wrote any less hurtful.

Incidentally, this:  “…squashing people like roaches just because THEY DO NOT RISE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS is not a moral way to live.”

Yeah.  You may want to practice what you are preaching, Sister RJ. 

 
Restrained?  Bet your ass it was.  What I really wanted to say was “Hello, Hypocrite” followed by a few well placed “douche canoes” and “feel free to jackhammer my chocolate starfish with your tongue, you fuckwad.”  However, in the interest of continued friendship, I refrained.  This person is not a bad person. In fact, I like her a great deal.  She is/has been normally very supportive in my struggles for sobriety over the past year so this letter sort of struck me as “odd” coming from someone who is usually very thoughtful and measures her words with care.  Truly, if I were a weaker person, this letter might have had me sobbing with the fear that I am indeed on the path to hell and frightfully worried that I may, in fact, return to using because I have failed to live up to the standards of someone who I know has been a sponsor and mentor to many a reformed alcoholic.  Actually, it would make me feel like a complete and utter failure.  
So, good thing that I am “ Miss CP goddess herself” and “a good woman” who is both “empowered and attractive“, or I just might fall to the floor in a crumbled mass of humiliation and despair before dressing and accessorizing appropriately for my journey on the “lonely bitter ugly long hard road to hell.”
I mean, just because you are going to HELL does not give you an excuse to look anything less than exceptional.  Also, don’t wear red…because it is always rude to wear the same color as your host.  It’s like wearing white to a wedding. You just don’t do it. 

By the way, do you think there are rest stops along that lonely bitter ugly long hard road?  A girl may want to freshen up just a bit before entering.  Can someone get back to me about that?

Anyway, what really struck me was the irony of the entire thing.  I mean, you are writing me a letter about being unkind and judging others who do not meet my standards, in a letter where you are unkind, judgmental and feel the need to point out that I, obviously, do not live up to your standards.  
And oh!  The hits keep coming, Folks! Because, as I was sitting here blogging this little nugget of joy, a brand new reply to my reply appeared!  I am going to share share share it with you, right this very second! I am going to LIVE post it!  Before I even read it!  Before I even have a moment to think about it!  And of course, my reply will follow soon thereafter!  Isn’t this amazing!?  It’s like, totally an OMG moment in technology! It’s like you are peeking over my shoulder and into my little world! Tee Hee! Giggle giggle! This is such a slumber party moment!  Here’s the letter. Same rules. Unedited and only names redacted:
RJ:  April 14 at 11:26pm  

CP. People do not make people do or feel anything. Either they do what they do or feel what they feel stirctly because of themselves. Blame is not an option.

I am sorry and sad to hear that you continue to have pain in your back.
It saddens me to hear that this “gentleman” has mistreated you in public about a circumstance that you caould not change. Bad on him.

Have you or had you gone to his superiors? The Dean? did your other teachers go to him?…..
Bottom line is, that he probably, no make that by HIS action; definitely doesn’t care about you, or anyone else for that matter. His behavior is not tolerant and respectful, as is expected in the service and tenure of scholastics….from pre-k thru gad schooling.

However, his behavior does not allow for similar behavior. two wrongs do not make a right. It makes two wrongs. I had to learn this the hard way when I behaved as you did when I was the “victim”…

Thirty years later, I am now the victim in litigation with a lawyer and insurance company that lies beyond belief. They have deined my claim, twist the truth, and I am in appeal…I have no relief for my hands and must use them anyway, I am in constant intolerable pain 24/7, and cannot take anything for them….i have sleep apnea, migraines, brain fog and have just been diagnosed with severe liver disease. I have been in and out of the hospital and been pricked, prodded more than u can imagine. my veins roll and blood draws are excrucistingly painful…..did you know that? did you know that i am flat broke, i mean FLAT my car is on it’s last legs and if i don’t get some money somehow someway im in HUGE straits?????? I have no health insurance, get ALL my medical traetment for freee or close to it as an indigent person…..I get food stamps and am grateful for all my woes…..yet, I do not no matter what……get back or be vengeful to anyone, for a resentment is the number one offender…..it is the way to kill us addicts……we must…..let go of resentments and see what we can do to make a situation better, without motive.  (Editor note: This, my friends, is what is known in psychology as “deflection” or in legalese, a “red herring argument”.  In her attempt to apologize but yet, still cast blame, she is showing me that even in the throes of her own misery, she is STILL a good person.  Beyond reproach and I am not.  It is also an attempt to make me feel badly for coming back at her the way that I did.  You know, remind me that she has been through so much hell…so I really should take a lesson from her because after all, she knows better than I.)

I was not judging you CP…God does not judge. I am not God. No human power can replace God. Not even (insert my husbands name here)…..However God want us all to be loving and tolerant and forgiving of all including ourselves…
(Editor note:  God DOES judge.  Actually, he is the first documented hypocrite.  He judged the actions of Adam and Eve and continues to judge, for if you do not live by his standards, you too shall take that long, bumpy, lonely, dirty, filthy, chaotic descent into hell.  If he didn’t judge, heaven would be terribly overcrowded, don’t you think?)
He wants us to love all and love ourselves…..
Yes, you do have a right to be angry…..but ya don’t have to get even….eye for an eye means do unto others as you would have them do unto you…….many people misinterpret this……..

I do practice what I preach, and I fail often……if I have hurt you, and I again apologize, as the truth does hurt…someone had to type this very similar letter to me to show me where my motives were all messed up…..then know that it is thru working the 12 steps and traditions, and freeing myself of bitter resentments that i have been able to sdeal with life not as if look at what they did to me and screwed it all up….life is what it is…we can fight for whats right, but not at the expense of others…
I would report this joker to the State Board of Regents ASAP and ask for an IMMEDIATE review, and bring ALL your medical records…..
pray for peace in your heart…miracles DO happen all the time.
i love you..
RJ

And in the interest of full disclosure, I give to you, my reply without benefit of a proofread:


CP:  April 15 at 12:05am

RJ…with all due respect, if people do not “make” others “do or feel anything”, then really? Your original letter to me has not point or validity whatsoever. Your main point was that I was out to hurt and humiliate this man with the things I said. So, which is it? Can I cause him hurt with my words…or, because I turned the tables on YOU just now, are other people not responsible for the way you feel? You can’t have it both ways. Pick a team and play on it.

Your letter was rude. Straight up rude. Also, it was laden with unsolicited advice. Had I not been a stronger person, your letter just might have been responsible for putting a chink in my armor. I have turned to you in times of uncertainty and when I needed guidance because I knew you would never judge me; having “been there and done that”, you would surely understand where I was in my recovery and I knew I could trust you. However, the things that you said to me were degrading. You attempted to make me feel small, take me down a few notches and encouraged me to get my ego in check. Wow. I would expect better from someone who is a sponsor to so many recovering alcoholics and should know to approach someone early in their sobriety with gentleness and care. However, my sobriety is not in jeopardy, was never in jeopardy and I am far too strong to let a few words ever put me in the danger of hanging on that precipice ever again. But again, I suggest to you that a weaker person might have succumb to your suggestion about using again as the overall flavor of your letter was to make someone feel as if they failed not only in YOUR eyes, but in the eyes of God as well.

So, thank goodness for my healthy, strong ego, RJ. Had I not been in possession of it, you might have been what pushed me over the proverbial edge.

Also, please don’t use the phrase “the truth hurts”. It’s your truth. Not mine. You see the situation one way, I see it another. There is no “truth” where opinions are concerned. Your letter did not make me see the light or have some sort of breakthrough. Actually, all it did was serve to make me angry. I am entitled to my opinion of this professor and to express it to him. I did not use foul language. I did not call him names. I did not judge him as a professor on the whole. I simply told him what my experience with him was. Just as he felt he had the right to humiliate me in front of my classmates, I felt I had all the right in the world to let him know how his actions were hurtful to me in a physical and emotional way. I am a good and conscientious student. I am beyond thoughtful and courteous to all my professors and treat them all with a great deal of dignity. However, RJ, respect is something that is to be earned and despite all my courtesy and restraint with holding my tongue so as not to embarrass him in a public setting, he still felt it necessary to embarrass and humiliate me on more than one occasion. That was not me flexing my superiority muscles, RJ. That was me letting him know that his selfish behavior and lack of empathy has harmed me in many different capacities.

As for the rest of your letter, it is all extraneous. I am not going to do the tit for tat thing…making a list to see whose life is harder right now. Who is struggling with what demons. Who is rising up against what challenges. Your tales of woe are no different than any one else…and you are not trying to have a conversation with me about them as friends would. No, you are once again, trying to make a holier than thou point. All this stuff is going on with me and still, look at how gracious and wonderful I am in God’s eyes.

You are being extraordinarily judgmental of me right now, RJ . I am actually sitting here laughing and shaking my head at how terribly pious you are. Do you really want to compare laundry lists of whose going through what or who has been through what? And really, doing it to drive your point of “yet, I do not no matter what……get back or be vengeful to anyone”, so even in the throes of an apology, you are STILL being judgmental to me. LOL

Please. Just stop. The hypocrisy is absolutely strangling me.

Read your own words back to yourself: “we can fight for whats right, but not at the expense of others…” I just got done, in my last letter, telling you how hurtful your letter was but still, you felt the need to pile MORE of your guilt driven and shame filled hyperbole on me. You are now committing what I have tallied up to be your third contradiction. You are fighting to be right at MY expense now. You’re not right. This is not truth. This is an opinion and you are entitled to yours, certainly, but you are not entitled to continue this conversation with me if all you want to accomplish here is shaming me into good behavior.

If my Jewish mother couldn’t achieve that in 44 years of my life, I assure you, it ain’t going to work for you either.

Now, at this point, I suggest one of two things. We either A) Stay mature adults. Agree to disagree, drop the conversation because truly, it is really draining me emotionally and while I know you said no one is responsible for how you feel (more contradiction), right now, you are wholly responsible for irritating the fuck out of me while I am already in physical pain. or B) The immature route. We drop out of one and others lives. I will make some flippant, nasty facebook post about you and you, because you are a better person than I by far, will say nothing in order to keep yourself straight with God and not have to sit beside me on my “lonely bitter ugly long hard road to hell.”

I would probably have been much kinder if I had the assistance of pain killers to assuage some of the horrible pain I am feeling in my back before I answered you. However, because I do take my sobriety extremely seriously, I have not had the luxury of taking pain killers of any kind and of course, muscle relaxants on a broken bone is like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.

I will watch my facebook wall like a hawk. If you disappear, then I will consider that my answer was option B. If you choose to stay, however, I will assume that option A is what appealed to you and agree that we will not speak of this again and treat each other with the love, courtesy and respect that we always have.

Best to you.

So, there you have it.  Unlike this letter, I am welcoming your responses and replies.  If you feel I was wrong, then please, by all means, express that in the comments.  If you feel I was right to feel as I do, then please, feel free to smother me with accolades, praise, worship, erect a shrine in my honor.  Whatever you see fit.

As for me, I am hitting the couch. I have been terribly negligent towards my DVR and I can hear the “Real Housewives of New York City” ranting and raving, beckoning me to watch some REAL judgmental bitches in action.  Frankly, I feel my life is far more interesting and they should have a “Real Housewives of Tampa Bay” because even ONE of my Facebook posts would probably generate more ratings than all these housewives put together.  Because, face it, my life is just THAT amusing and secretly, I know you all really wish you could be me, if only for ten minutes, so you too can deal with the ridiculous nonsense that I have to deal with from people claiming to be my “friends”.

Side note to the Greek Goddess who insisted I blog this:  Yeah?  What now, Bitch?  Bring it!  LOL

Regards,
Miss CP, the almighty goddess herself, blogging live from my car on the long road to hell. 

Damn.  Hope I didn’t forget to pack the sunscreen.  *sigh*

Focus 52: "Celebrate You"

In order to celebrate me, the current prompt of the Focus 52 project, I am going to donate my blog space to celebrating someone else.  Destiny is the 11 year old daughter of my friend Melia.  Destiny recently lost her life last week in a tragic car accident that also put her 15 year old brother Riley in a coma.  He still remains in a comatose state today.  Melia was in ICU with bodily injuries that included a broken clavicle, some bleeding on the brain and various lacerations and bruises.  While she is recuperating in one hospital, her son is across town in another, fighting for his life.  Her eldest daughter, Hailey, who was not in the car at the time of the accident, is left alone to run between the two hospitals where her brother and mother are currently staying.  A devastating position for an 18 year old child who is grieving the loss of her baby sister to be in. 

So what does this have to do with celebrating ME?

In a word, charity.  Sweet charity.  My one huge passion in life.  If there is ever an attribute that I would want celebrated about myself, it would be the fact that I am enormously passionate when it comes to giving to others in need.  I will donate time, money, material needs until I have nothing more to give.  It is the one area in my life where I feel I truly shine as a human being.  Giving to others in need makes me feel good.  It lifts me to a plane of existence more gratifying than even the most earth shattering orgasm.  Every time I can do something, anything, to help another person in a time of crisis, I feel elevated.  Closer to achieving a sense of nirvana. I am at peace even in the midst of chaos.  It gives me something to devote my ever abounding energy to and provides me with a better sense of self.  And, while it is said that charity should be a selfless gesture, any fool would know that simply cannot be.  There is a certain selfish aspect to it.  There is a certain rush or “high” if you will when it comes to knowing you have done something to potentially change the outcome of someones life.  I enjoy giving.  I enjoy doing for others.  I don’t require thanks. I don’t require gratitude.  I don’t even require acknowledgment.  All I need is to be able to achieve that remarkably warm feeling of knowing that I was able to play a small role in making someones life just a little bit better, if only for a short while.

With all that said, I am inviting you to please visit my “Cause” page to help Melia and her family try to recoup from the tragedy of this past week.  While nothing on earth, any amount of money or gesture, can return Destiny to us, the family is in dire need of financial salvation.  The family is going to need financial help desperately to help pay for the enormous hospital bills, for Destiny’s final arrangements, Riley’s long term care, the entire families living expenses and of course, they will need money for legal fees to go after the repeat offender criminal that stole Destiny’s life.

The family does not have a lot as they just moved across the country in hopes of starting a better life. They need the help of friends, friends of friends, relatives, etc., to get them through this difficult time.

While there are grass root efforts being made in her home state of Arizona, Melia has many friends who know and love her in other parts of the world as well. We are reaching out to the blogging/social media community in an attempt to help rebuild this woman’s life.

Please help in any way you can. Even the smallest of donations are appreciated.

To date, we the members of the Cause have been able to raise nearly $2500.  However, the cost of Destiny’s final arrangements far exceed that.  The need is still great.  Melia will need to be able to stay close to the hospital where her son is now in ICU.  This will cost money.  The family is without health insurance.  Daily bills for the ICU stay run in excess of $20,000 per DAY.  They will both require hospital type beds when they are finally released.  There will be legal fees to pay.  They will need special medical equipment for Riley, such a a wheelchair for him to use while he slowly regains function of his extremities.  The costs are overwhelming and endless.  Even if you are unable to donate yourself, just passing the word around to others and encouraging them to donate will help Melia and her young family to recuperate from this tragedy.

To celebrate me, I am celebrating the life of Destiny.  I am celebrating the fact that my dear friend Melia has lived to see another day.  I am celebrating the fact that Riley has not given up and that his battered body has youth on its side and he is putting up a strong fight for his life.  In fact, I could not think of a better way to celebrate MY life than to introduce you to them.  To be able to remind all of you how precious life truly is.  How to let you all have this serve as a reminder that life can change on a dime.  If this story makes you a little bit more wary on the road, stops you from running a red light (like the person who hit Melia did), makes you hug your children a little bit tighter tonight…then to me, those are small but enormously significant victories.  Little celebrations of life…and in turn, small celebrations of my life as well.

Tonight, I was speaking to a friend and mentioned that it deeply saddened me every time I had to write the words “Destiny’s funeral” during updates to friends.  She said to me, “It is not a funeral.  It is a celebration of life.”  And, she is right.  Melia has chosen to have people dress in every color of the rainbow, Destiny’s favorite thing, in honor of her daughter.  No drab, somber black garb…but brilliant hues.  Greens, yellows, oranges, blues, purples…all as vibrant and alive as Destiny was.

“What an amazing thing for a mother to do,” I thought to myself.

She opted not to dress Destiny in a formal dress and fancy shoes, but rather, a pair of jeans.  A Justin Bieber shirt.  Her favorite DC brand rainbow shoes.  She chose to let Destiny leave this earth the same way that she came into it…with her own sense of style.  A ferociously independent little girl who had the gift of gab, a smile that could start a fire with its brilliance and the eyes of a mischievous angel.

Indeed, this will truly be a celebration of life.  And I can think of no better way to celebrate me…than to celebrate her all too short, but incredibly purposeful life.

Goodnight, sweet Destiny.  Rest well…and remember that every time I see a rainbow in the sky, I will know it is you, asking God to please redecorate the world.

You are loved.