Category Archives: false friendships

On second thought…

You don’t deserve that much of my bandwidth.

I’ve given enough of my time and energy to you. It’s all been positive and good and loving.

I’m not going to ruin my track record now because of your shitty life.

You made your bed.  You lie in it.

Stay jealous of me, though.  It might inspire you to reach higher.

Peace.

Judgmental? Party of ONE???

Irony.

It comes in many forms.  Today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter “J” for judgmental. Let me set the scenario up for you.  Actually, lets let Facebook set it up for you, because I am too lazy to do anything but cut and paste.

CP:   Finally got around to doing my instructor evaluation for my humanities professor. I wonder how many times you can say “cock-sucker” before it is deemed socially unacceptable?

Insert various “tee hee” and “Oh, CP you are so funny” comments here. 

Random Friend:  Haha is that Professor Butterfly?


CP:  No, not Butterfly.  Buttefly is AWESOME. I love him. NO, this was S********. Douche canoe. I hate the fucker. I just wrote him an email containing the phrase, “Congratulations. In 20 years of higher education resulting in three degrees, I can honestly say that you are, by far, the worst professor I have ever had in the duration of my scholastic career.”   It felt SO good to say that to him. And I’m not even done with his class!!! LOL So it’s not like I was being passive/aggressive “let me say something shitty because I am never going to see you again.” Not my style. LOL

Now.  Was this a mean-spirited post?  Certainly it was.  I was angry as I have a right to be (explanation coming up) because this man has made my life a living hell for the past couple of weeks.  Besides, am I not entitled to use my Facebook wall to vent my frustrations on?  It IS my wall, after all and while my blog would have been completely suitable, I have not been well enough to sit at the computer for an extended period to make a blog post.  However, to appease my friend, the Angry Greek Goddess, who simply feels the need to know every detail every single time CP loses a few brain cells to the whimsy of her 700 Facebook friends, I am complying with her wish for me to blog this.  Also, she totally accused me of NOT blogging it because I would find “something shiny” that would distract me.  Hence, she will never get a glimpse into the world of Angry CP. 

Suck on that, Greek Goddess.  Posted! In your face, Bitch! 

Anyway, so I’m sitting on line, playing Sorority Life because they have all the good clothes, money, boyfriends and cars and I just have well, okay, the good clothes, money and car.  I also have a husband.  None of those bitches do…so they can suck it too.  All of a sudden, a little notification pops up.  I Haz Da Emailz! Yay!  So I clickity click on my email and I am greeted by THIS letter (unedited except for names redacted):

Random Judgmental Person:  April 14 at 7:35pm

Subject:  your actions.

you may not like what i have to say, however sometimes the truth hurts.

in order to get that albatrose of your back, you must get busy looking at you……not others.
bragging and boasting, even if it is your page, is the ego at work proving that you are so much better than your professor, or whomever else you tell off….
it’s like doing good things for others
do em and then, just be quiet about them…. thats where the gifts, miracles, humilty come from….

i adore you, CP and know you are a good woman.
however your motive and intention WAS TO HURT this teacher, and now you publicly mock him, like a grade school girl.
this really is not how you would like to be treated, is it? even if it were possible that he or she may have “deserved” it…..
no, CP, ….no one wishes to be treated cruely rudely or inhumanely, physically or verbally.

there are other ways to get ones point across that will not be so hurtful, vindictive and smearlike.
i understand it is awesome to be a stand up woman such as yourself…very empowering and attractive. take no crap, but at who’s expense?. squashing people like roaches just because they do not rise up to your standards is not a moral way to live……again, not the way God wishes and hopes for your to live….
Love is always the answer, not hate. No matter what.

I am not judging you, I am however attempting to guide you along in a fashion that allows you, Miss CP goddess herself…………… to think and act instead of not think and react….to have humility and grace, while still take no shit…..
if you choose to keep on with you alone, no mtgs, sponsor or step work and not look really deep inside at YOUR motives…..with being able to admit your faults to another human being, and to make amends……you will no doubt, mark my words, use again. and that would pain me so. It has been proven time and time again that this is the case…….I know I choose not to go that route. It’s a lonely bitter ugly long hard road to hell.

I love you, adore you and pray that you can slow down just for a few moments and see the real deal. I live it every day. I am far from perfect…..I fuck up often, however i do my darndest to not hurt, mame, or smear anyone at all, even if I want to…because it just is wrong.
Love love love u
Random Judgmental Person.



What. The. Fuck?

Now, ya’ll know me.  I am a fire tongued she-devil.  However, I pride myself on the fact that I can take it as well as I can dish it.  I have NO problem whatsoever with her wanting to speak her version of “truth” to me.  I honestly have no problem with anyone who feels the need to point out my various and sundry flaws.  I know they are plentiful and I could probably write the list more accurately than any one.  What I did absolutely find myself livid at was this: 

“…if you choose to keep on with you alone, no mtgs, sponsor or step work and not look really deep inside at YOUR motives…..with being able to admit your faults to another human being, and to make amends……you will no doubt, mark my words, use again.”

Did you just seriously use my SOBRIETY against me?  Did you, you former alcoholic recovering addict AA Nazi, just actually say that if I continued on my “bitter, ugly, long hard road to hell”, I will return to my 25 pill a day drug habit that nearly killed me, destroyed my life and the lives of others.  Did you really just go THERE to make your point?  Wow.  Really?  After some well placed snark on my FB wall while I was contemplating what to say to Ms. Judgey McJudgerson, I came up with the following, thoughtful albeit restrained commentary.  I will refer to her as “RJ” throughout the remainder of this blogpost:

Certifiable Princess:  April 14 at 7:49pm 
 
You are totally judging me, RJ…as you have no clue how this man has made my life a living hell for the past two weeks. Do you know that I have been flat on my back with a broken back? Yes, broken vertebrae in my back. And while all my other professors have done everything they possibly could do to make sure that I maintain my GPA and do not have to drop out of my classes in order to graduate on time, this man has not answered my emails, has REQUIRED my presence in his classroom despite my inability to walk let alone drive, has insulted me, humiliated me by pointing out that “due to one students needs, I will have to change the date of the final exam” and made it virtually impossible for me to be able to complete his coursework.

Because of him, I am losing an ENTIRE semester of school, as I now have to retake the class over the summer in an advanced curriculum setting and my GPA that I have worked brutally hard to maintain for 2 years had just gotten shot to shit. So yes, you ARE judging me…because you are making a statement as to why I was “cruel” or “rude” to someone who has given me nothing but disrespect despite all my best intentions.

I’m sorry, RJ…but your letter was completely out of line. People who are here with me, on a daily basis, in my REAL life know what this man has put me through and all the heartache, tears and headaches…not to mention PHYSICAL pain he has caused me. What I wrote to him, in the grand scheme of things, was actually POLITE with all things considered.

So yes, you are judging…and you have succeeded in making ME feel badly about something I have a RIGHT to be angry about. And, in essence…you just did to me exactly what you told me not to do to someone else. Just because you prefaced it with “you may not like this” and threw in a couple of “i love and adore you” statements doesn’t make what you wrote any less hurtful.

Incidentally, this:  “…squashing people like roaches just because THEY DO NOT RISE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS is not a moral way to live.”

Yeah.  You may want to practice what you are preaching, Sister RJ. 

 
Restrained?  Bet your ass it was.  What I really wanted to say was “Hello, Hypocrite” followed by a few well placed “douche canoes” and “feel free to jackhammer my chocolate starfish with your tongue, you fuckwad.”  However, in the interest of continued friendship, I refrained.  This person is not a bad person. In fact, I like her a great deal.  She is/has been normally very supportive in my struggles for sobriety over the past year so this letter sort of struck me as “odd” coming from someone who is usually very thoughtful and measures her words with care.  Truly, if I were a weaker person, this letter might have had me sobbing with the fear that I am indeed on the path to hell and frightfully worried that I may, in fact, return to using because I have failed to live up to the standards of someone who I know has been a sponsor and mentor to many a reformed alcoholic.  Actually, it would make me feel like a complete and utter failure.  
So, good thing that I am “ Miss CP goddess herself” and “a good woman” who is both “empowered and attractive“, or I just might fall to the floor in a crumbled mass of humiliation and despair before dressing and accessorizing appropriately for my journey on the “lonely bitter ugly long hard road to hell.”
I mean, just because you are going to HELL does not give you an excuse to look anything less than exceptional.  Also, don’t wear red…because it is always rude to wear the same color as your host.  It’s like wearing white to a wedding. You just don’t do it. 

By the way, do you think there are rest stops along that lonely bitter ugly long hard road?  A girl may want to freshen up just a bit before entering.  Can someone get back to me about that?

Anyway, what really struck me was the irony of the entire thing.  I mean, you are writing me a letter about being unkind and judging others who do not meet my standards, in a letter where you are unkind, judgmental and feel the need to point out that I, obviously, do not live up to your standards.  
And oh!  The hits keep coming, Folks! Because, as I was sitting here blogging this little nugget of joy, a brand new reply to my reply appeared!  I am going to share share share it with you, right this very second! I am going to LIVE post it!  Before I even read it!  Before I even have a moment to think about it!  And of course, my reply will follow soon thereafter!  Isn’t this amazing!?  It’s like, totally an OMG moment in technology! It’s like you are peeking over my shoulder and into my little world! Tee Hee! Giggle giggle! This is such a slumber party moment!  Here’s the letter. Same rules. Unedited and only names redacted:
RJ:  April 14 at 11:26pm  

CP. People do not make people do or feel anything. Either they do what they do or feel what they feel stirctly because of themselves. Blame is not an option.

I am sorry and sad to hear that you continue to have pain in your back.
It saddens me to hear that this “gentleman” has mistreated you in public about a circumstance that you caould not change. Bad on him.

Have you or had you gone to his superiors? The Dean? did your other teachers go to him?…..
Bottom line is, that he probably, no make that by HIS action; definitely doesn’t care about you, or anyone else for that matter. His behavior is not tolerant and respectful, as is expected in the service and tenure of scholastics….from pre-k thru gad schooling.

However, his behavior does not allow for similar behavior. two wrongs do not make a right. It makes two wrongs. I had to learn this the hard way when I behaved as you did when I was the “victim”…

Thirty years later, I am now the victim in litigation with a lawyer and insurance company that lies beyond belief. They have deined my claim, twist the truth, and I am in appeal…I have no relief for my hands and must use them anyway, I am in constant intolerable pain 24/7, and cannot take anything for them….i have sleep apnea, migraines, brain fog and have just been diagnosed with severe liver disease. I have been in and out of the hospital and been pricked, prodded more than u can imagine. my veins roll and blood draws are excrucistingly painful…..did you know that? did you know that i am flat broke, i mean FLAT my car is on it’s last legs and if i don’t get some money somehow someway im in HUGE straits?????? I have no health insurance, get ALL my medical traetment for freee or close to it as an indigent person…..I get food stamps and am grateful for all my woes…..yet, I do not no matter what……get back or be vengeful to anyone, for a resentment is the number one offender…..it is the way to kill us addicts……we must…..let go of resentments and see what we can do to make a situation better, without motive.  (Editor note: This, my friends, is what is known in psychology as “deflection” or in legalese, a “red herring argument”.  In her attempt to apologize but yet, still cast blame, she is showing me that even in the throes of her own misery, she is STILL a good person.  Beyond reproach and I am not.  It is also an attempt to make me feel badly for coming back at her the way that I did.  You know, remind me that she has been through so much hell…so I really should take a lesson from her because after all, she knows better than I.)

I was not judging you CP…God does not judge. I am not God. No human power can replace God. Not even (insert my husbands name here)…..However God want us all to be loving and tolerant and forgiving of all including ourselves…
(Editor note:  God DOES judge.  Actually, he is the first documented hypocrite.  He judged the actions of Adam and Eve and continues to judge, for if you do not live by his standards, you too shall take that long, bumpy, lonely, dirty, filthy, chaotic descent into hell.  If he didn’t judge, heaven would be terribly overcrowded, don’t you think?)
He wants us to love all and love ourselves…..
Yes, you do have a right to be angry…..but ya don’t have to get even….eye for an eye means do unto others as you would have them do unto you…….many people misinterpret this……..

I do practice what I preach, and I fail often……if I have hurt you, and I again apologize, as the truth does hurt…someone had to type this very similar letter to me to show me where my motives were all messed up…..then know that it is thru working the 12 steps and traditions, and freeing myself of bitter resentments that i have been able to sdeal with life not as if look at what they did to me and screwed it all up….life is what it is…we can fight for whats right, but not at the expense of others…
I would report this joker to the State Board of Regents ASAP and ask for an IMMEDIATE review, and bring ALL your medical records…..
pray for peace in your heart…miracles DO happen all the time.
i love you..
RJ

And in the interest of full disclosure, I give to you, my reply without benefit of a proofread:


CP:  April 15 at 12:05am

RJ…with all due respect, if people do not “make” others “do or feel anything”, then really? Your original letter to me has not point or validity whatsoever. Your main point was that I was out to hurt and humiliate this man with the things I said. So, which is it? Can I cause him hurt with my words…or, because I turned the tables on YOU just now, are other people not responsible for the way you feel? You can’t have it both ways. Pick a team and play on it.

Your letter was rude. Straight up rude. Also, it was laden with unsolicited advice. Had I not been a stronger person, your letter just might have been responsible for putting a chink in my armor. I have turned to you in times of uncertainty and when I needed guidance because I knew you would never judge me; having “been there and done that”, you would surely understand where I was in my recovery and I knew I could trust you. However, the things that you said to me were degrading. You attempted to make me feel small, take me down a few notches and encouraged me to get my ego in check. Wow. I would expect better from someone who is a sponsor to so many recovering alcoholics and should know to approach someone early in their sobriety with gentleness and care. However, my sobriety is not in jeopardy, was never in jeopardy and I am far too strong to let a few words ever put me in the danger of hanging on that precipice ever again. But again, I suggest to you that a weaker person might have succumb to your suggestion about using again as the overall flavor of your letter was to make someone feel as if they failed not only in YOUR eyes, but in the eyes of God as well.

So, thank goodness for my healthy, strong ego, RJ. Had I not been in possession of it, you might have been what pushed me over the proverbial edge.

Also, please don’t use the phrase “the truth hurts”. It’s your truth. Not mine. You see the situation one way, I see it another. There is no “truth” where opinions are concerned. Your letter did not make me see the light or have some sort of breakthrough. Actually, all it did was serve to make me angry. I am entitled to my opinion of this professor and to express it to him. I did not use foul language. I did not call him names. I did not judge him as a professor on the whole. I simply told him what my experience with him was. Just as he felt he had the right to humiliate me in front of my classmates, I felt I had all the right in the world to let him know how his actions were hurtful to me in a physical and emotional way. I am a good and conscientious student. I am beyond thoughtful and courteous to all my professors and treat them all with a great deal of dignity. However, RJ, respect is something that is to be earned and despite all my courtesy and restraint with holding my tongue so as not to embarrass him in a public setting, he still felt it necessary to embarrass and humiliate me on more than one occasion. That was not me flexing my superiority muscles, RJ. That was me letting him know that his selfish behavior and lack of empathy has harmed me in many different capacities.

As for the rest of your letter, it is all extraneous. I am not going to do the tit for tat thing…making a list to see whose life is harder right now. Who is struggling with what demons. Who is rising up against what challenges. Your tales of woe are no different than any one else…and you are not trying to have a conversation with me about them as friends would. No, you are once again, trying to make a holier than thou point. All this stuff is going on with me and still, look at how gracious and wonderful I am in God’s eyes.

You are being extraordinarily judgmental of me right now, RJ . I am actually sitting here laughing and shaking my head at how terribly pious you are. Do you really want to compare laundry lists of whose going through what or who has been through what? And really, doing it to drive your point of “yet, I do not no matter what……get back or be vengeful to anyone”, so even in the throes of an apology, you are STILL being judgmental to me. LOL

Please. Just stop. The hypocrisy is absolutely strangling me.

Read your own words back to yourself: “we can fight for whats right, but not at the expense of others…” I just got done, in my last letter, telling you how hurtful your letter was but still, you felt the need to pile MORE of your guilt driven and shame filled hyperbole on me. You are now committing what I have tallied up to be your third contradiction. You are fighting to be right at MY expense now. You’re not right. This is not truth. This is an opinion and you are entitled to yours, certainly, but you are not entitled to continue this conversation with me if all you want to accomplish here is shaming me into good behavior.

If my Jewish mother couldn’t achieve that in 44 years of my life, I assure you, it ain’t going to work for you either.

Now, at this point, I suggest one of two things. We either A) Stay mature adults. Agree to disagree, drop the conversation because truly, it is really draining me emotionally and while I know you said no one is responsible for how you feel (more contradiction), right now, you are wholly responsible for irritating the fuck out of me while I am already in physical pain. or B) The immature route. We drop out of one and others lives. I will make some flippant, nasty facebook post about you and you, because you are a better person than I by far, will say nothing in order to keep yourself straight with God and not have to sit beside me on my “lonely bitter ugly long hard road to hell.”

I would probably have been much kinder if I had the assistance of pain killers to assuage some of the horrible pain I am feeling in my back before I answered you. However, because I do take my sobriety extremely seriously, I have not had the luxury of taking pain killers of any kind and of course, muscle relaxants on a broken bone is like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.

I will watch my facebook wall like a hawk. If you disappear, then I will consider that my answer was option B. If you choose to stay, however, I will assume that option A is what appealed to you and agree that we will not speak of this again and treat each other with the love, courtesy and respect that we always have.

Best to you.

So, there you have it.  Unlike this letter, I am welcoming your responses and replies.  If you feel I was wrong, then please, by all means, express that in the comments.  If you feel I was right to feel as I do, then please, feel free to smother me with accolades, praise, worship, erect a shrine in my honor.  Whatever you see fit.

As for me, I am hitting the couch. I have been terribly negligent towards my DVR and I can hear the “Real Housewives of New York City” ranting and raving, beckoning me to watch some REAL judgmental bitches in action.  Frankly, I feel my life is far more interesting and they should have a “Real Housewives of Tampa Bay” because even ONE of my Facebook posts would probably generate more ratings than all these housewives put together.  Because, face it, my life is just THAT amusing and secretly, I know you all really wish you could be me, if only for ten minutes, so you too can deal with the ridiculous nonsense that I have to deal with from people claiming to be my “friends”.

Side note to the Greek Goddess who insisted I blog this:  Yeah?  What now, Bitch?  Bring it!  LOL

Regards,
Miss CP, the almighty goddess herself, blogging live from my car on the long road to hell. 

Damn.  Hope I didn’t forget to pack the sunscreen.  *sigh*

Further proof that no good deed goes unpunished…

So, I am reading a friends Facebook page. From what I am gathering, my friend is not just depressed and sad, but she is posting things that make her sound like she is in full on crisis mode. These weren’t suggestions or innuendos, but full on statements like wishing death on herself. This concerns me greatly, as I know this friend has been under a lot of stress for quite some time. I worry for this friend. I want this friend to know they are loved, cared about and thought of in such high regard that the world would be a little dimmer if they were not here.

Also, there is the thought of my beloved Derek racing through my head. His suicide back in 2007 has scarred me so deeply and perhaps has made me hyper-vigilant when it comes to someone tossing around the notion of suicidal thoughts. I lost Derek and still blame myself in a lot of ways. The “should haves”, “would haves” and “could haves” still haunt me. So I will be totally damned if I am going to let another friend leave this earth without a fight.

I wrote a letter on Facebook to about 12 of this persons closest friends, asking them to rally around this particular friend. Post something on their wall, a memory of them. A photo of you and this person together. Something sweet and loving. Or, if your time allows, send this person an email just to let them know you are thinking of them. I didn’t divulge any personal information about this person. I did not disclose what was going on in their life. I just simply asked for a few friends to reach out to this person.

So, imagine my surprise when I see THIS response show up in reply:

Hey, here’s another thought. What about letting people deal with their lives and butting the fuck out. We have private lives for a reason and I for one prefer not to have people discussing mine behind my back. it would embarrass me and send me away if I thought the people I actually turn to for a little cheer on my terms thought I was a pathetic suicidal mess. Even if that’s not your intention. It would be the way I would see it. That’s all I’m going to say and I’m not going to be baited into a discussion either so I’m untagging myself from this and would prefer not to be invited back.

*blinks*

Um, Wow?

Nowhere in my original letter did I state this person was a “pathetic suicidal mess”. Not even remotely indicated. Just stated what I saw on their Facebook page. It was right out there, in the open, on this persons sidebar. I found their reaction (or rather, overreaction) peculiar, because this particular group of friends…well, we are sort of known for doing things like this for one and other. This past year, we had two friends lose their jobs, one had a cancer scare, another lost a beloved pet and another still went through a nasty divorce. In each of these cases, someone rallied the troops and said “Hey, let’s leave a little love and support on their Wall.” Ironically, we did the same thing for the person who took my head off for their birthday! They were feeling sort of sad…so one of our friends said, “Let’s do something special for their birthday this year.” About 17 of us got involved in a collaborative project to come up with the perfect birthday gift for this person. And, I recall this friend saying “You guys really touched me. I have the greatest friends. Thank you for doing this for me.”

So apparently, when it benefits YOU…the notion of rallying around a friend is alright?

Last night, I went to go post to this persons wall. I found a funny picture that I thought they would like and was going to post it to their page as somewhat of a peace offering, instead of discussing the situation to death. I was just willing to let it go even though they came at me in a terribly harsh manner. I get to their page only to find out I had been removed as their friend. To say I was hurt is a huge understatement. It is not often that someone can hurt me to the point where I cry, but I did. Not that I was hugely close with this person. I wasn’t. We were friends through mutual friends. But, this was someone I respected and liked a great deal. Plus, this person now had me up all night long wondering, questioning myself…

did I do something wrong?

I tossed and turned over this all night. I must have read the letter I wrote again and again. What did I say? What did I do that was so bad? I thought it was a positive gesture.

I received some letters of support from the other people I had on the list. One person even stuck up for me and told this person to “lighten up”, which was nice…because that was my thought too. But really? For the first time, I was sort of speechless. I wrote to this person on the thread the only thing I could possibly think of to say…

“And strangely the only thought that comes into my head is…no good deed goes unpunished. Thanks for that, (Friend). You rock. /end sarcasm.”

How very true those words are. Sad during this time of year, when suicide rates spike up to their highest levels, is it considered a bad thing to reach out to a friend in need. Do I think the original person would have killed themselves? I hope not. But how can anyone really ever know for sure?

I have to be honest. I still maintain a lot of guilt over Derek’s death. I will be damned if I let someone walk down that road alone again without letting them know how much they are loved, needed and wanted in this world.

Only next time…I guess I’ll just keep it to myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 HOURS LATER EDIT: So, I am scrolling through pics at Imgur.com when I come across this pic. You know what? Fuck that friend who deleted me. I did the right thing. Validation comes in the craziest of ways. ~CP

(Click to open a new window, then, click again to enlarge.)

Why women suck…

I have a lot of acquaintances. I have a lot of good acquaintances. I have some friends. Of those friends, most of them are male. There is a reason for that. The reason?

Most women suck.

I learned at a very early age that women tend to be spiteful, catty and malicious. Even when they are well intentioned, they can’t help speaking from a place of jealousy most of the time. I hesitate to use the word “envy”, because I tend to put a positive spin on that word. There are definitely things I envy about some of my friends. I envy my kid sisters gorgeous, thick brown hair and her insane ability to cook. I envy another friends gorgeous wardrobe. Still, another friend manages to make her life look so effortless and breezy easy. I don’t covet these things, but I sure as shit wish I knew how they do what they do and manage to do it with ease.

What I don’t do is begrudge my female friends their beauty, their strength or the wonderful things that happen in their lives.

It seems to me that when really great things happen in our female friends lives, we don’t entirely focus on their happiness, but rather, use it as a gauge to figure out exactly where we are on the scale of female perfection. I have been steadily working on that with myself. I try to realize that when enormously wonderful things happen to my girlfriends, it doesn’t mean I am less than. It only means I have yet another goal to strive towards.

Recently, a friend clued me in that someone I considered a friend, who I have known via the blog realm for nearly 5 years has been talking shit behind my back. Now, I am no stranger to criticism and back-stabbing. I’ve been hearing women talk shit about me since the day I was old enough to understand it. I’m okay with it. My mother always told me, feel bad for the girls who talk about you. It means they have nothing in their own lives worth talking about. One thing I can say about Esther, she sure knew how to make an impact on my tender pre-pubescent psyche.

Back to my point.

This “friend” tore me up in a letter? Email? Blog post? I’m not sure the medium. I didn’t ask. I frankly don’t care enough to ask. What I do know is I was chastised for the following:

1) I brag about my husband too much. I will reply to this with an “absofuckinglutely”. I do. My husband is awesome. He’s better than your husband. He’s better than you. He’s even better than me. I believe that the Christians have not yet realized that my husband IS the second coming of the Messiah that they have long been waiting for. Until they realize that, I will keep him as the best kept secret Judaism has ever seen since the burning bush. He loves me unconditionally, flaws and all. He loves my children as though they were bred from his loins. He has three jobs all to support my dream of heading back to school to do the work I long to do. He is a good friend to everyone who meets him. He is KIND. Like, “walk an old lady across the street while he pushes her stalled vehicle across three lanes of traffic” sort of kind. He is a devoted grandfather who cannot get enough of his grandkids. So, do I brag about him? Yes, because he is worthy of this praise and should have it heaped upon him every single day. And, yes, you should have to know that he is the reason I am happy. If you were really my friend, you would love that about him and be thrilled for me. Just because your husband hasn’t touched you since the new millennium began, don’t hate on me for it. Buy yourself a vibrator, dust out the old vag canal and handle your business.

2) I brag about my “things”. No. I don’t brag about my things. I tell people about my things because I want them to have similar things. Similarly, I expect to hear about YOUR things, because if you are happy with something…I would hope you would want me to have that same feeling. Do I get excited about an upcoming vacation? Certainly. Am I not allowed to voice that? Do I talk about my shoe obsession? Yes. And to someone who is not a shoe whore, I can see where that would be annoying. However, I don’t begrudge you your new breadmaker? Salad shooter? Curtains? Shop Vac? Whatever the fuck it is that brings you pleasure, I applaud it. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. But, I do understand that whatever it is, it is making your life just a bucket of awesome, therefore, it is doing the same for me too.

3) I brag about my grandchildren. Wow. This one cracked my ass up. Is there a grandmother on the face of this earth who doesn’t do that? I’m sorry you didn’t produce children of your own who in turn will provide you with the joy of grandkids, but that is hardly my fault. My grandkids are amazing little creatures who change and grow every day. Every day they bring something new and fascinating into my life. I love this brand new aspect of my life. Do I tell you not to brag about your dogs? Cats? You say these are your “furry children”. Well then, act like it. Enjoy them. Have fun with them. Let them make you laugh…and in turn, share the funny with me! I’d love to hear it. No, really. I would. I’m not you.

There were other things, like for example, my coffee maker. Yes. My coffee maker. Sure, that goes under the category of “things”, but this one had to be separate because in this letter/email/blog post about me, it was a separate issue for this person as well. Apparently, the fact that my husband bought us an industrial sized Keurig was of grave concern to this person. So much so, that she went on to discuss why HER coffee maker was far more awesome.

I also brag about: My charity work. My writing gigs. (Really? I usually keep those kind of private). My grades. (Totally fuck you on this one. I work for those A’s, bitch. I work hard.) I can go on and on. It’s truly fucking laughable at this point.

Has it seriously come to this?

So, this is why women suck. We all have jealousies and insecurities. But, the measure of a good woman is the one who can put that on the back burner to allow for genuine happiness for a friends good fortune. And honestly, am I a braggart? I would suggest a thorough read of my blog would answer that for you. I have been through a LOAD of shit in my lifetime. Was I bragging about the losses I have suffered? The man who beat me relentlessly for 2 years? My past drug addiction? My struggle with bipolar disorder? No. Unless of course you are under the belief that I am one of those people who feels they have to “one up” everyone else’s sob stories. I don’t believe that’s me either. I’m just a real person. I talk. A lot. I talk about the good things in my life openly just the same way I talk about the not so good things. If it seems like there has been more of the former as of late, well, there has been. And honestly, I feel I have earned the good things that have come my way over the past few years.

I am a good person at heart. I love my family to the ends of the earth and would lay down and die for any of them. I am fervently devoted to my friends. (Is that bragging or is that simply a statement of fact? I think the lines are starting to blur for me). I think I am smart, funny, confident, interesting and damn beautiful to look at. Oh, and I have a great rack. Again, not bragging…it just is what it is. The other day, I happened upon this quote:

There’s no such thing as bragging. You’re either lying or telling the truth.

I know I’m telling the truth. And sometimes, sister, the truth hurts…especially when it reflects your own personal truth right back at you and you don’t like what you see. For that reason alone, I forgive you. I hope you are strong enough to forgive yourself and allow yourself to know happiness in your life. You deserve that. Every woman does. Even you.

No. Especially you.

Day 5: Something You Hope to do With Your Life

This is going to sound so trivial. The answer came as quickly to me as the question did. What I hope to do with my life, I am already doing. In a lifetime, 44 years worth of drama, heartache, pain, suffering, highs and lows, etc., the only thing that I wished to be doing with my life right now is celebrating it.

That is precisely what I am doing.

For the first time in my life, I can look in a mirror and say “I’m happy”. Not just a little happy or happy with certain aspects of my life. No. Truly and legitimately happy with every single portion of my life right now.

Truth be known, I am one lucky bitch. I have a husband who absolutely adores me and lets me know this consistently through not only his words, but his actions as well. He is loyal, a hard worker, dedicated to his wife and kids, generous and above all, he is kind. Kind almost to a fault. He is the kind of man who buys a homeless person a sandwich on the street. He pulls over to give stranded motorists a boost even if he is running late for something. He calls 911 when he sees a car swerving all over the road and follows that car to make sure that no one is harmed until the police arrive and take over. He is a good soul. He makes an effort every single day to do something in the name of God and his family. He is truly a selfless human being and I am utterly honored and blessed to have him as a partner in life. My best friend in every single sense of the word.

My children. They are growing, thriving and are two of the most amazing young adults I have ever seen. My daughter is a fantastic mother, raising her two children under the age of two so adeptly and with such ease and grace. She makes it all look so easy, balancing her children with her responsibilities as a wife and a full time employee. Her husband has proven himself to be a good person and a very doting father. They just celebrated four years of marriage and seem to be happier now than ever before. My son. My son…my little musical prodigy, just began his first year of high school, leaving behind a football for his Les Paul. He is an individual through and through. He doesn’t take shit (like his mama) and he is thriving in school. He is polite, yet sarcastic. He is funny and articulate. And while he tries to act like he gives a shit about nothing (typical teenage boy AND he gets that from his mother as well), he is a caring, noble and honest person.

My grandchildren. Oy, the lights of my life. Sadie will be two years old soon. She drives everyone nuts with her independent attitude and her impatience. She is a diva in the making. Loves to climb, run, jump and do everything all the boys do. She is an absolute angel. Liam, my little chubster. The little man. Bubba Schwaz as we call him, much to my daughters chagrin. The most docile baby you will ever meet. Always happy. Just wants to be held all the time and loves to snuggle. The two of them are absolute blessings in my husband and my life.

My parents. God love ’em both. Esther and Harold. Both alive and kicking, driving each other crazy. They are insane, loud, boisterous, annoying…and I wouldn’t have them any other way. Dad turns 70 years old this year, a huge milestone for someone who was very ill once upon a time. I am grateful to have them in my life and to have them be as supportive as they are. I also am grateful to have Esther 1200 miles away. 😉

My home is large and inviting. My cars run. We have a savings that allows us to vacation once or twice a year. My husband makes a good enough living that it has allowed me to go back to school and work towards my Masters degree in Social Work. I want to work with addicts and also with GLBT and Questioning Youths. I am doing a lot of volunteer work with The Trevor Project (thetrevorproject.org), an organization that is working with gay and lesbian children and teens in the hopes of protecting them against bullying and taunting. With the recent rash of suicides that have taken place among this particular demographic, it is more important than ever to me to dive into my volunteering head first and make my education really count for something.

My dogs are fine and shit in my kitchen on a daily basis. My cats are wonderful.

Lastly, my friends. I have spent the past year weeding out the poison, carefully cultivating the garden so that only the most voluminous flowers will bloom there. Sure, there were some tricky spots along the way. I pulled a few weeds that were really flowers in disguise. I planted some gorgeous flowers that turned out to be venus fly traps. But now…now I think I’ve got it to where I need it. To where I want it. To where I can be the great big oak tree and be surrounded by the beautiful landscape of my carefully formed and nurtured friendships. This has been a year of surprises for sure. Those I would have never thought I could have trusted in a million years turned out to be ferociously loyal friends. Then, there were the friends that I thought I knew oh so well, who turned out to be nothing more than the fertilizer…the absolute SHIT in my field of beauty.

Regrets along the way for some missteps with a few of them? Certainly. But none so compelling that I feel the need to make further amends than I already did. One managed to surprise me…but what surprised me more was how little I ended up caring in the long run. As long as I have those who know me and love me, flaws and all, I am a-okay in my little world.

So, something I hope to do with my life? I’m doing it. I’m living it. I’m living it happily and I am living it well.

It was a long time coming.