I am reading my own blog and discovering something about myself.
I have been, for the past two months, pretty fucking boring.
What the hell? Read my archives! I am so NOT boring, so what the hell is going on with me.
I have a few theories:
1) My husband is now working in California. This means I am not getting laid NEARLY as much as I used to. Since most of the stories in my archives revolves around the interesting things we did (read:stupid) sexually, I find myself with very little to say. As a matter of fact, my orgasms have been pretty mediocre as of late. Who do I speak to to rectify this situation?
2) My son has swine flu. It’s hard to be witty when your son has a potentially life threatening pig virus. He thinks it’s hysterical and refers to himself as a “Swiner”. He has been yelling it out in school as well, making his teacher think that Tourette’s is a side effect of swine flu. My child is one genetic marker away from retarded* as it is. He gets it from me.
(*Yes…I realize that this is politcally incorrect. I care not. Move on.)
3) Did I mention that I am not getting laid near enough?
4) Avitable’s Halloween party is coming up this weekend. Anything else will therefore pale in comparison. Basically, you have two things to look forward to this time of year. The first is anticipation of his party. And the second is the subsequent depression you will go through when it is over. The depression lasts about a full year until the next party. I am stockpiling Cymbalta for the aftermath.
5) I have come to the conclusion that I have gotten fat. Not voluptuous. Not “curvy” or all the other cute things I always referred to myself as. No. This is downright fucking fat. I always said if the day ever came that my stomach stuck out further than my tits, it would be time to diet. Guess what, Fuckers? Yeah. No time like the present.
6) Dieting depresses me. Depression makes for shitty blog posts. In order to serve you better, I shall refrain from dieting. I will take one for the team. I will get fat in order to preserve the sanctity and harmony of this blog. I will be 300 pounds…but you will be amused and frankly, that’s all that matters.
7) Yeah. I really need more sex. More sex=less dieting=happier blogposts. So, in essence, my entire blog existance rests firmly on my husbands penis. That’s a heavy burden to bear. Hope he’s up for the challenge.