Every once in awhile, I get a link in my email from Refinery29, an amazing fashion website. I tend to hang on to the link of what the “fashion predictions” are for the upcoming year to see if I was right about what I think about it or wrong. I took some notes back in January about each one of the pics in this slide show and boy oh boy, I am in the WRONG industry. I called this in the air.
These people should truly look to hire me because boy, did they get it wrong. Wrong. WRONG!
So, allow me, now that we are 4 months into the new fashion year, to go through these slideshows photos with you, step by step and give you my time proven wisdom before you end up walking out your door looking like a hot old mess. I can’t have that. I have to be seen with you people. I refuse to be seen with you if you look like an extra in a Whitesnake video some 20 years after the fact, okay?
This is for your benefit. What can I say? I’m a giver. Let’s begin.
1) No. Just no.
2) These do not look good on large breasted or thicker girls. IF you are either of those, do not. If you feel you must though…do it with leggings only. Great look on girls with less shape, gives you some hips if you don’t have any.
3) My best friend is going to laugh about this one. She’ll know why. If you are going to pull of the Betty Page look, please, don’t go the daisy duke, cover me in cherries and cutesy accessory overload. Betty Page did not do that. She did it with class. Look towards Dita Von Teese for the RIGHT way to do Rockabilly with style or you will look like a pornographic anime character.
4) These are fun and will have to hit up our resident glitter bomber, The Jewelry Whore, Herself, to order some in. These are great to trade with friends, very easy to make. I think we should all make shoe themed ones and secret squirrel them to each other in the mail! fun!
5) Thank goodness the days of “just got out of bed” head are over. I have always done “coiffed” whether it was trendy or not, because if you are going out, you should always look “done”…not like you were attacked by a pack of rabid dogs midway through getting ready.
6) OMG. No. Never. Please. Especially if you are over 30. The only time this look is acceptable is if you are at a baseball game and even then, it is still sort of “iffy”. Please. Proceed with extreme caution.
7) I have to admit, if these come back into style, I will actually buy a pair…so long as they are glammed up. These were very popular in the 80’s and I loved the added height. However, they must be loaded down with bling. Get yourself a glue gun and a clue.
8) IF you are going to do this look, please…do it with stilettos. If you look at the model, it looks like she has 20 feet of torso, and stumps for legs. This is a cute look if you pair it with one of your mans dress shirts, a skinny belt and a chic little fedora. Make it girly with some chandelier earrings or a long pearl necklace…but seriously. Stilettos. Flats will make you look like you have a penis. (refer to model…again).
9) I know we are getting mixed messages here. The shoe designers are screaming COLORS COLORS COLORS! POPS OF COLOR! at us. The runways are screaming NEUTRALS NEUTRALS NEUTRALS. We, however, being the savvy bitches we are, know we can color block our outfits and then, pair a nude shoe…OR, neutral outfits with a colorful shoe. IF you are going to do neutral on neutral…be careful with your whites. Ivory plus cream plus beige can potentially just make you look like you don’t add bleach to your laundry and your whites are dingy. You will end up in Glamor magazine as a “don’t”. Trust me. Lastly, do NOT go all matchy matchy on me. Try to make it a cardinal rule NOT to match your handbag to your shoes unless your shoes or bag have multiple colors and you are matching a solid to the pattern. That’s fine. Do not do solid and solid matching. Please. I admit, every once in awhile I take leave of my senses and I do this. I wholly expect the Fashion Police to jump out of the bushes like Ashton Kutcher and give me a Rodney King beat down when this happens. I would have earned it if that happens…and so will you.
10) Dear God. No. No.For the love of all things holy…Just No. Especially if you are under 5’5. Also, if you feel you must do this to yourself…if your self loathing runs that deep, please, be kind to yourself and pair with a sandal of the wedge variety. If I see any of you in these with Ugg boots, you will be de-friended immediately. That is all.
So there you go, Bitches. Fashion done right by the Goddess of Glam. No need to thank me. I am simply here for the benefit of the universe…to keep you fashionable, on trend and most of all? Keeping you from embarrassing yourself and me. Trust me. It’s for your own good. I may be fat and forty (five) and all, but I know of what I speak.