Why women suck…

I have a lot of acquaintances. I have a lot of good acquaintances. I have some friends. Of those friends, most of them are male. There is a reason for that. The reason?

Most women suck.

I learned at a very early age that women tend to be spiteful, catty and malicious. Even when they are well intentioned, they can’t help speaking from a place of jealousy most of the time. I hesitate to use the word “envy”, because I tend to put a positive spin on that word. There are definitely things I envy about some of my friends. I envy my kid sisters gorgeous, thick brown hair and her insane ability to cook. I envy another friends gorgeous wardrobe. Still, another friend manages to make her life look so effortless and breezy easy. I don’t covet these things, but I sure as shit wish I knew how they do what they do and manage to do it with ease.

What I don’t do is begrudge my female friends their beauty, their strength or the wonderful things that happen in their lives.

It seems to me that when really great things happen in our female friends lives, we don’t entirely focus on their happiness, but rather, use it as a gauge to figure out exactly where we are on the scale of female perfection. I have been steadily working on that with myself. I try to realize that when enormously wonderful things happen to my girlfriends, it doesn’t mean I am less than. It only means I have yet another goal to strive towards.

Recently, a friend clued me in that someone I considered a friend, who I have known via the blog realm for nearly 5 years has been talking shit behind my back. Now, I am no stranger to criticism and back-stabbing. I’ve been hearing women talk shit about me since the day I was old enough to understand it. I’m okay with it. My mother always told me, feel bad for the girls who talk about you. It means they have nothing in their own lives worth talking about. One thing I can say about Esther, she sure knew how to make an impact on my tender pre-pubescent psyche.

Back to my point.

This “friend” tore me up in a letter? Email? Blog post? I’m not sure the medium. I didn’t ask. I frankly don’t care enough to ask. What I do know is I was chastised for the following:

1) I brag about my husband too much. I will reply to this with an “absofuckinglutely”. I do. My husband is awesome. He’s better than your husband. He’s better than you. He’s even better than me. I believe that the Christians have not yet realized that my husband IS the second coming of the Messiah that they have long been waiting for. Until they realize that, I will keep him as the best kept secret Judaism has ever seen since the burning bush. He loves me unconditionally, flaws and all. He loves my children as though they were bred from his loins. He has three jobs all to support my dream of heading back to school to do the work I long to do. He is a good friend to everyone who meets him. He is KIND. Like, “walk an old lady across the street while he pushes her stalled vehicle across three lanes of traffic” sort of kind. He is a devoted grandfather who cannot get enough of his grandkids. So, do I brag about him? Yes, because he is worthy of this praise and should have it heaped upon him every single day. And, yes, you should have to know that he is the reason I am happy. If you were really my friend, you would love that about him and be thrilled for me. Just because your husband hasn’t touched you since the new millennium began, don’t hate on me for it. Buy yourself a vibrator, dust out the old vag canal and handle your business.

2) I brag about my “things”. No. I don’t brag about my things. I tell people about my things because I want them to have similar things. Similarly, I expect to hear about YOUR things, because if you are happy with something…I would hope you would want me to have that same feeling. Do I get excited about an upcoming vacation? Certainly. Am I not allowed to voice that? Do I talk about my shoe obsession? Yes. And to someone who is not a shoe whore, I can see where that would be annoying. However, I don’t begrudge you your new breadmaker? Salad shooter? Curtains? Shop Vac? Whatever the fuck it is that brings you pleasure, I applaud it. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. But, I do understand that whatever it is, it is making your life just a bucket of awesome, therefore, it is doing the same for me too.

3) I brag about my grandchildren. Wow. This one cracked my ass up. Is there a grandmother on the face of this earth who doesn’t do that? I’m sorry you didn’t produce children of your own who in turn will provide you with the joy of grandkids, but that is hardly my fault. My grandkids are amazing little creatures who change and grow every day. Every day they bring something new and fascinating into my life. I love this brand new aspect of my life. Do I tell you not to brag about your dogs? Cats? You say these are your “furry children”. Well then, act like it. Enjoy them. Have fun with them. Let them make you laugh…and in turn, share the funny with me! I’d love to hear it. No, really. I would. I’m not you.

There were other things, like for example, my coffee maker. Yes. My coffee maker. Sure, that goes under the category of “things”, but this one had to be separate because in this letter/email/blog post about me, it was a separate issue for this person as well. Apparently, the fact that my husband bought us an industrial sized Keurig was of grave concern to this person. So much so, that she went on to discuss why HER coffee maker was far more awesome.

I also brag about: My charity work. My writing gigs. (Really? I usually keep those kind of private). My grades. (Totally fuck you on this one. I work for those A’s, bitch. I work hard.) I can go on and on. It’s truly fucking laughable at this point.

Has it seriously come to this?

So, this is why women suck. We all have jealousies and insecurities. But, the measure of a good woman is the one who can put that on the back burner to allow for genuine happiness for a friends good fortune. And honestly, am I a braggart? I would suggest a thorough read of my blog would answer that for you. I have been through a LOAD of shit in my lifetime. Was I bragging about the losses I have suffered? The man who beat me relentlessly for 2 years? My past drug addiction? My struggle with bipolar disorder? No. Unless of course you are under the belief that I am one of those people who feels they have to “one up” everyone else’s sob stories. I don’t believe that’s me either. I’m just a real person. I talk. A lot. I talk about the good things in my life openly just the same way I talk about the not so good things. If it seems like there has been more of the former as of late, well, there has been. And honestly, I feel I have earned the good things that have come my way over the past few years.

I am a good person at heart. I love my family to the ends of the earth and would lay down and die for any of them. I am fervently devoted to my friends. (Is that bragging or is that simply a statement of fact? I think the lines are starting to blur for me). I think I am smart, funny, confident, interesting and damn beautiful to look at. Oh, and I have a great rack. Again, not bragging…it just is what it is. The other day, I happened upon this quote:

There’s no such thing as bragging. You’re either lying or telling the truth.

I know I’m telling the truth. And sometimes, sister, the truth hurts…especially when it reflects your own personal truth right back at you and you don’t like what you see. For that reason alone, I forgive you. I hope you are strong enough to forgive yourself and allow yourself to know happiness in your life. You deserve that. Every woman does. Even you.

No. Especially you.

8 thoughts on “Why women suck…

  1. Jan

    ugh.
    I don’t understand that. No, actually I do. I get where it comes from. And being you, I know you get it too.
    Doesn’t make it any less messed up. I feel bad for people like that, I really do. Their spite (and yes, it is spite) has nothing to do with their husband, their car, their fucking coffee pot. It’s the person they are that they find lacking.
    Jealousy is ugly. Jealous people are ugly.
    You? are beautiful. Inside and out. I can honestly say that I have never once found the things you say to be “bragging”. You get A’s? I’m smiling over here, fucking proud of you. Your husband is the greatest thing since sliced bread? I envy you that while I giggle over the cuteness that is your relationship.
    Bragging about your grandkids, well I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with you there. That’s so weird. People just don’t do that, Princess.
    *snark

    Anyways, aside from the ‘why jealous people are angry people’ psyche-eval (I graduated with honors, y’know bragbragbrag) the issues this person decided to raise are just downright dumb. Yep, dumb. (you brag about your “things”.Seriously? WTF is that?)And I can’t see that they honestly know anything about the woman you are.
    Really? I don’t think they deserve too, either.

    You’re welcome for the book in your comments 😉

    xoxoxo

    Reply
  2. diane

    So me being nosey ‘ol me, had to go back to where the coffee convo took place & I hope it’s not who I think it might be… doesn’t really matter anyways.
    And I’m glad I went back & read your blog post, too, cuz you said “most” women, at first I thought you said “all” women & I thought “nuh uh!!” *finger wag*
    Let me tell you, when I do get grandkids, I am gonna brag about them til people wanna rip their ears out! That’s what grandparents are SUPPOSED to do & if a “friend” of mine ever complains about it, I’ll tell em to go fuck themselves. Heck, I brag about my grandpuppies, as it is!
    And 1 more thing, then I’m gonna go watch t.v. w/Jim – you are so right about the grades – you EARNED those grades, you work your ass off for those grades & you deserve to brag all day long if you so desire!
    To summarize, perhaps most women suck as friends, but I’m not one of those women. Well…I do suck, but not as a friend. *snicker*

    Reply
  3. Not a Granny

    I thought FB was for bragging about things? Why else would everyone be posting all these pictures and making wall posts? Are we not all bragging???

    I covet your coffee maker…(I totally used that picture and post to show my hubby what I wanted for Christmas…)

    Reply
  4. Sodapop

    Pfft. Keep bragging about your husband, your kids, your grandkids, your coffee maker. I think it’s wonderful and I enjoy reading every word you have to say.

    Like Jan said, while I understand the place it comes from, it’s messed up and uncalled for.

    And I find it really irritating that it was a “friend” who was talking all that shit about you. Makes me sad that women have to be like that with each other.

    Anyway, I am quite jealous of your Kuerig (only cause I got to sample some of the coffee from Laci’s Kuerig. Yummy! But just cause I want one for myself doesn’t mean I’ll fuss that you brag about yours! sheeesh lol

    Happy Friday! 😀

    xoxo

    Reply
  5. KrisB

    Keep braggin!! 🙂 Be PROUD!!
    Not enough women know their worth and they, as you said, are insecure when they come across a woman who does recognize how worthy they are!!

    If nothing else, these stupid females may someday learn from you!

    I’m woman and I am proud!
    I have a DAMN good husband.
    I have a spectacular son.
    I earned my 4.0 the third time I went back to school (we won’t discuss the others.. LOL, but college can be for partyin when you are young)
    Anyway, by all means, keep it up!
    (and thank you for saying MOST women.. 😉

    *hugs* and Blessings

    ps
    I stopped drinking coffee and am only drinking tea.. 😉 want my OLD kick ass coffee maker? *veg*
    j/k
    my hubby would kill me..
    He still drinks coffee…

    Reply
  6. CP

    Limpy – I nearly peed with delight seeing your name appear on my blog. Hate my coffee maker…just LOVE ME!

    Jan – You’re biased. You love me. Your opinion doesn’t count. Except to me. LOL

    Diane – You are a girls girl. You totally do NOT suck as a friend and are pretty fucking awesome when it comes to encouraging and supporting your girlfriends. That is a gift, mah love. Doesn’t come easy to most women.

    Granny – SO?? Did you get the coffee maker? Hm. Probably not…or you would surely be bragging on facebook right about now! LOL

    UC – Exactly, my friend. 🙂

    Soda – Into every good woman’s life, a Keurig shall fall. You will get yours, my pretty and when you do, you shall never leave the house again! LOL

    Kris – Totally brag! You should! Those are awesome achievements. And, not to brag? But the Keurig brews the BEST cups of tea…hot OR iced, so no…keep yours. LOL

    CP

    Reply

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