Further proof that no good deed goes unpunished…

So, I am reading a friends Facebook page. From what I am gathering, my friend is not just depressed and sad, but she is posting things that make her sound like she is in full on crisis mode. These weren’t suggestions or innuendos, but full on statements like wishing death on herself. This concerns me greatly, as I know this friend has been under a lot of stress for quite some time. I worry for this friend. I want this friend to know they are loved, cared about and thought of in such high regard that the world would be a little dimmer if they were not here.

Also, there is the thought of my beloved Derek racing through my head. His suicide back in 2007 has scarred me so deeply and perhaps has made me hyper-vigilant when it comes to someone tossing around the notion of suicidal thoughts. I lost Derek and still blame myself in a lot of ways. The “should haves”, “would haves” and “could haves” still haunt me. So I will be totally damned if I am going to let another friend leave this earth without a fight.

I wrote a letter on Facebook to about 12 of this persons closest friends, asking them to rally around this particular friend. Post something on their wall, a memory of them. A photo of you and this person together. Something sweet and loving. Or, if your time allows, send this person an email just to let them know you are thinking of them. I didn’t divulge any personal information about this person. I did not disclose what was going on in their life. I just simply asked for a few friends to reach out to this person.

So, imagine my surprise when I see THIS response show up in reply:

Hey, here’s another thought. What about letting people deal with their lives and butting the fuck out. We have private lives for a reason and I for one prefer not to have people discussing mine behind my back. it would embarrass me and send me away if I thought the people I actually turn to for a little cheer on my terms thought I was a pathetic suicidal mess. Even if that’s not your intention. It would be the way I would see it. That’s all I’m going to say and I’m not going to be baited into a discussion either so I’m untagging myself from this and would prefer not to be invited back.

*blinks*

Um, Wow?

Nowhere in my original letter did I state this person was a “pathetic suicidal mess”. Not even remotely indicated. Just stated what I saw on their Facebook page. It was right out there, in the open, on this persons sidebar. I found their reaction (or rather, overreaction) peculiar, because this particular group of friends…well, we are sort of known for doing things like this for one and other. This past year, we had two friends lose their jobs, one had a cancer scare, another lost a beloved pet and another still went through a nasty divorce. In each of these cases, someone rallied the troops and said “Hey, let’s leave a little love and support on their Wall.” Ironically, we did the same thing for the person who took my head off for their birthday! They were feeling sort of sad…so one of our friends said, “Let’s do something special for their birthday this year.” About 17 of us got involved in a collaborative project to come up with the perfect birthday gift for this person. And, I recall this friend saying “You guys really touched me. I have the greatest friends. Thank you for doing this for me.”

So apparently, when it benefits YOU…the notion of rallying around a friend is alright?

Last night, I went to go post to this persons wall. I found a funny picture that I thought they would like and was going to post it to their page as somewhat of a peace offering, instead of discussing the situation to death. I was just willing to let it go even though they came at me in a terribly harsh manner. I get to their page only to find out I had been removed as their friend. To say I was hurt is a huge understatement. It is not often that someone can hurt me to the point where I cry, but I did. Not that I was hugely close with this person. I wasn’t. We were friends through mutual friends. But, this was someone I respected and liked a great deal. Plus, this person now had me up all night long wondering, questioning myself…

did I do something wrong?

I tossed and turned over this all night. I must have read the letter I wrote again and again. What did I say? What did I do that was so bad? I thought it was a positive gesture.

I received some letters of support from the other people I had on the list. One person even stuck up for me and told this person to “lighten up”, which was nice…because that was my thought too. But really? For the first time, I was sort of speechless. I wrote to this person on the thread the only thing I could possibly think of to say…

“And strangely the only thought that comes into my head is…no good deed goes unpunished. Thanks for that, (Friend). You rock. /end sarcasm.”

How very true those words are. Sad during this time of year, when suicide rates spike up to their highest levels, is it considered a bad thing to reach out to a friend in need. Do I think the original person would have killed themselves? I hope not. But how can anyone really ever know for sure?

I have to be honest. I still maintain a lot of guilt over Derek’s death. I will be damned if I let someone walk down that road alone again without letting them know how much they are loved, needed and wanted in this world.

Only next time…I guess I’ll just keep it to myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 HOURS LATER EDIT: So, I am scrolling through pics at Imgur.com when I come across this pic. You know what? Fuck that friend who deleted me. I did the right thing. Validation comes in the craziest of ways. ~CP

(Click to open a new window, then, click again to enlarge.)

13 thoughts on “Further proof that no good deed goes unpunished…

  1. Dave2

    And yet… imagine the consequences on your conscience if you read the situation perfectly and they committed suicide without you trying to do anything.

    Sometimes the tough choices are the hardest to live with, but look at it this way… it could have been that your efforts might have saved their life or at least inspired them to reach out to somebody.

    In the end, this person you care about is still alive… one way or another… even if they’re not your friend on Facebook any more. That’s worth holding onto, regardless of anything else that comes out of it.

    Reply
  2. Deb

    This is why I love you to pieces. You have so much love for other people & it’s evident. I think the backlash you received was just self-defense and embarrassment on this person’s part. You called her out on it. Although there is nothing wrong with doing that —I thinks she just got embarrassed. When you write things on a public wall, such as things she wrote, it’s a CRY for help. I mean, if you didn’t want people to “think” or “analyze” the situation, don’t post things like that.

    If I were (God forbid) in that kind of state of mind, and a friend cared enough to contact my other friends to cheer me up or lift my spirits —-that friend would be for life —-indefinitely.

    Reply
  3. Geeky Tai-Tai

    Please don’t stop caring or putting yourself out there to help others. I’m sorry your good intentions weren’t well-received, but remember that one of the symptoms of major depression is irritability.

    You did the right thing. I don’t doubt that at all.

    Reply
  4. Angel Smith

    As someone who is. really. fucking. struggling. to keep putting one foot in front of the other, having friends that lift me up and support me has been the supplement to my blood family’s concern that has tipped the scale for me from mere survival, to hope.

    You acted out of love…even if you DID make a mistake in doing so, which I do not believe you did, your heart was in the right place.

    I know I always appreciate the kind words you share when I need them, as well as the verbal bitch slap when I need that.

    Reply
  5. Robin

    Oy.

    I have been having a really hard time lately with life shit (things are finally starting to even out….), and the people who I thought would check in on me and make sure I was okay didn’t, but the people who did totally blew me away and made dealing with the whole thing easier. If I had someone like you to do what you did for your “friend?” I would have been over the moon, even if I didn’t want the help…even if I couldn’t do anything about it to pay them back. Your intentions were good…that’s all that matters.

    Reply
  6. Lynda

    Why wouldn’t that person want to support a friend. You shouldn’t question yourself. Maybe they didn’t think it was so serious or whatever, but I’m sure your depressed friend would appreciate the gesture.

    Reply
  7. Crystal

    I can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t want to reach out to a friend in a time of need like that. As someone who has been in the same position, I would have loved to have had people who gave a shit rallying for me.

    Do what you’re doing, and let the haters do their thing. Like you said, it seems like someone only likes the rallies when they’re centered around them.

    Reply
  8. Absurdist

    Ignore the idiot friend. Who knows what is going on in his/her life (I mean the one that ripped you.)

    You did the right thing. Always go with your gut. No one has the right to hurt you emotionally like that. If they are doing that, it’s for one of several reasons; either they are hurting themselves and they are lashing out at you, or they are mean.

    If it is uncharacteristic of them, something is going on with them. If it is their nature, then you are better off without them in your life.

    Stay true to your gut. You are a good person. Don’t even let that negativity bother you one more second. It’s not worth it. We have such limited time in our lives, and what we focus on is so important. Focusing on people that bring us down (that person that ripped you) is SO not worth your time.

    Focus on the one you love; the one you are trying to help.

    You are lovely. That is all that matters.

    Reply
  9. Chickie

    The person sending you the nasty reply needs to pull the stick out of their ass. People don’t put status updates like that out there and not expect (or hope) for a response.

    Reply
  10. TLWN

    Okay, admitted long time lurker. I’ve read every single one of your posts, just took me a few months. Got the link from finding Elle somehow.

    I have also be diagnosed with BPD, as well as ADHD. Unfortunately, I can’t afford the drugs with a job with no insurance… no, this isn’t a request. It’s a statement on how even people you really don’t “know” can make a difference.

    I was in essence that person Friday night. While my blog isn’t going, and I refuse to let my FB know what’s going on, I was to that point. Literally, I needed the attention to *not* off myself. Luckily for me, I had another outlet where I could feel like someone cared. Not everyone has that.

    Yes, we reach out, in hopes someone, anyone, gives a shit enough to reply back, to give us that grain of hope that we should wake up in the morning. Even an anonymous online, “Hey, I really don’t know you, but things can get better!” can make the difference between pulling the trigger, swallowing the pills, or running your car in front of a train.

    I’ve read through your entire blog (yeah, I know, I already said that), and if you have the strength to get through what you have, it helps give me strength to carry on.

    .

    Reply
  11. John B

    as my friend’s friend sez!
    Fuck the begrudgers!
    fuck anyone who wants to bring either of down even a little bit.

    I love you for who you are, even though we wildly disagree on political points. Fashion choices and other points, I consider you a friend, and would fight to the death for you.

    Reply
  12. CP

    TLWN – Your post means a lot to me. I don’t often question myself because I know what my motives are when I do something like that. I selflessly definitely do things to make others feel good and in turn, and somewhat selfishly, allow myself to feel good for those things in return. If you need a friend, I am here. Always. Feel free to dump all over my blog. Along with it being my outlet, it has always been a safe haven for those who feel the need to vent…to speak and to be heard.

    I am listening.

    CP.

    Reply
  13. CP

    John B – that was a fantastic comment. Thank you for that. It’s nice to know that even Republican’s have souls. LOL *wink*

    CP.

    Reply

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