600th post! Day 3 – Forgive myself.

The thing I need to forgive myself for, well, I believe I have nearly achieved that. My drug addiction. The way it threw my entire family off kilter. The way it effected their lives, my life. The fact that I haven’t fully recuperated from the post traumatic stress that comes along with being a recovering addict. I did this on my own. No country club rehab facility. I laid on a couch for nine long days, near death, punishing myself for what I had done to myself. I suffered purposely, to make each moment an agonizing one. I wanted to feel every ache, every pain, every cramp. I wanted to choke on my own vomit. I wanted my head to feel like it was going to implode. I wanted to bleed out of my eyes and ears. I prayed for a heart attack to shut me down for good, the pain…both emotional and physical were unbearable.

But I chose to feel it. I chose to go through it without the benefit of the hospital so I would never, ever forget what the pain of addiction did to me, to my family, to my friends, to my career. God was incapable of punishing me more than I was punishing myself.

Even now, I find myself dwelling on the fact that I lost nearly two full years of my life, first to addiction and then, to my subsequent recovery.

I need to grant myself the ability to look in the mirror, 1 year and four sober months later and say “You did good, kid”. I need to be brave enough to walk outside, knowing full well that I disgraced myself as a nurse…but that doesn’t mean I have to give up my life. I sinned. I atoned. That should be enough. Enough for everyone…but most of all, enough for me.

I need to allow myself to start living again. Forgiveness is coming easily.

It is forgetting that’s a bitch.

3 thoughts on “600th post! Day 3 – Forgive myself.

  1. Robin

    “Forgiveness is coming easily.

    It is forgetting that’s a bitch.”

    You totally just expressed why I can’t seem to grasp the “forgiving myself” thing with that sentence.


  2. CP

    It never made sense to me, the whole “forgive and forget” concept. On the surface, it would appear to go hand in hand, you forgive something, you move on.

    But with really big things, how do you do that? Like, say the cheating spouse. I would want to forgive my husband, because I love him. But I would never be able to forget what he did, therefore making forgiveness impossible.

    I suppose it works for the little things. Break someones vase…oops, I forgive you. 20 minutes later, I’ve forgotten about it. Disrupt my marriage, I will attempt to forgive you, but I will NEVER forget what you attempted to do. So, with that in mind…are you truly forgiven?

    Strange concept.

  3. Sodapop

    Forgiveness is a strange topic. I found it quite difficult to forgive myself when I went into recovery for my addiction. Sometimes? I still beat myself up for it – 9 years later.

    I think you do deserve a pat on the back and a “You did good, kid!” because you did! Any day without actively participating in our addiction is a GOOD day! You have turned your life around.

    Yeah, you hurt yourself, your family and your career, but you have grown and learned from it.

    Life is nothing but a lesson and some stepping stones in our journey.


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