Soul searching…

I have so many things to blog about right now. So many wonderful, amazing things. My life right now is truly blessed. I can write about my husband, always a source of joy and happiness. I can write about the incredible Mother’s Day I just had. There was my fabulous trip to California where I met some absolutely awesome people who will be in my heart forever. I had the time of my life. I can write about my sons recent school suspension. Sure, not a great thing, but valuable lessons were learned by all. I could write about the new career I am embarking on with my husbands blessing. I am scared, nervous, excited and in awe over this decision I have made.

A million things to write about yet only one thing comes to mind right now.


In the past couple of months, I have done some pretty nasty things. Things I am a little ashamed of. I said things that never should have been said. I entrenched myself into lives and hurt people with the quick flashes of an untamed tongue. I allowed a mob mentality to pull me in, suck me under and throw me about in an ocean of ugly.

Dear Readers, be there 6 or 60 of you…when have you ever known that to be me?

I am not a judgmental person. I never have been. I don’t see colors on skin. I embrace everyone’s sexuality and preferences. As long as you are not harming me or mine…just be you. Do your thing. Live your life. Make your good choices. Make your poor choices. Always find your way back to being you after diverting away from that. Second chances. Third chances. Tenth chances. I have always lived my life as the epitome of love, tolerance and acceptance.

I am ashamed of my actions as of late. They are a false and poor representation of who I am, who I have always been. I allowed myself to get pulled into chaos and mob mentality, something I have never experienced before. I don’t like it. There isn’t enough body wash to cleanse it away.

I am not a religious girl, despite embracing my Jewessness. I am a spiritual person. I am a strong believer in karmic retribution both good and bad. You get back what you put out into the universe. It comes back to you in some form or another. Lately, what I have been putting out has not been positive and I am not proud of that. So many beautiful and wonderful things have taken place in my life as of late. This one thing looms heavily in my heart and mind.

I took a step to rectify it today. Not only because it was the right thing to do, but because I needed it for me. I needed to make it right in my mind. I need to put out the right vibes in my world. And, most of all, I need to say I am sorry when I am wrong. I allowed my compassion to be run off and replaced with malignancy and maliciousness. That’s not me. It’s never been me. I hate that girl.

I was wrong. And, I am sorry.

While forgiveness may not be in the stars, I have done what I can to be able to exhale and say, “It will be okay. The people you hurt may not forgive you, CP, but God will.” And right now, that has to be enough for me.

I am flawed. I will falter. I am a work in progress.

The colors are still evolving. The paint on my walls are still wet. But, with every passing day, every passing hour…something beautiful will arise from what I am creating. A better day. A better life.

A better me.

11 thoughts on “Soul searching…

  1. Hilly

    I’m glad to hear you say this, honestly. I’ve had to shy away from so many people lately because they got involved in that mob mentality and went crazy over something that had absolutely nothing to do with them. It’s easy to get angry and swept away in everyone else’s bullshit but it takes great strength to say, “Ya know, I’m not feeding into this bullshit and I’m going to live my life for me and only me”.

    So yeah, good for you.

  2. CP

    Hilly –

    I caved. I had to. At the time, everything just seemed right. I was mad about other things and the whole posse party had just started and I let myself be carried away with it. What I said about the matter could have/should have been addressed privately. I didn’t do that. That is just. not. me. Never has been. Being in California awakened so much in me…I’ve made a lot of changes in my life. More to come. But, that whole incident? It’s been nagging at me steadily. Like I said…I’m not looking for forgiveness. But, I did the wrong thing. And for that, I am truly sorry…and I wrote a letter to the parties involved letting them know exactly that. It wasn’t my battle to fight. It wasn’t my cross to bear. I’ve watched other friends go through the SAME exact thing and never passed judgment on them. Hell, “I” went through the same thing and never believed I was a bad person for it. I talked it over with my husband. He’s the sanest, most rational person I know. He understood why I got so defensive and angry, but never really condoned all the gossip mongering. I just don’t do that. I don’t know why I did. I felt like I was protecting underdogs in a certain capacity…but really? Who died and made me the mortal defender of the universe? Or, the moral majority for that matter.

    I just felt it was time to rectify the situation. Not salvage it…but at least, make it right in the universe. I’m not a toxic girl. I never have been. I’m all about the laughs and the funny, lighter side of even the darkest moments. I’m not proud of how I acted.

    Thank you for “getting” it.

  3. Hilly

    So what I took from all of that is this…California is just as awesome as I’ve always said it is!


    Seriously though, I get it. As someone who has completely passed on the public bashing of anyone, I really do.

  4. teebopop

    This is the strongest voice I’ve heard from you in a long, long time.

    And I’m glad to hear it. I know that you are feeling so much better about your life and what lies ahead.

  5. CP

    Hilly, believe it or not, Cali had a LOT to do with it, especially being down in The Castro. Since WHEN have I ever been a hate-monger? I love these people. I embrace them. I fight for their rights to be free, to do the wrong things, to do the right things, to be who they are. Then, I chastise others for their errors? No. Not me. I’m not her. Spending time with Jester and UMB also cured a lot of that. There was NO discussion of past events. None. It was pure unadulterated fun, unspoiled by gossip, rumor, innuendo, etc. I loved being with them and having so much more in common than just the past events. There was so much more to that meeting. True camaraderie and friendship. Same thing with being with Lynda. We discussed it briefly…and she managed to make me realize, without coming outright and saying anything at all, that I had made a poor decision. THAT is a friend.

    So yes, California, great friends and my husbands gentle guidance made me see the light.

    California is pretty fucking awesome. It ain’t New York…but it sure as fuck isn’t Florida. *wink*

  6. CP

    Tee – Thank you for saying that. I am feeling a bit stronger, more determined to get back on track than I have been in a long time. I just want my voice back…and to have it be heard in the positive, humorous and thoughtful way it always has been. I don’t want to go backwards ever again.

  7. CP

    heath – I’m trying. 🙂

    Liz – Believe it or not, you had a little something to do with this decision as well.

    Deb – Yeah. Human. Divinely so. Even a princess slips from the throne now and again.

  8. Hilly

    Well yeah, it definitely is NOT Florida fosho! I think the highly liberal environment in San Francisco is good for cleansing the soul and making us realize what it is we truly want to be in life. That city always rejuvenates me too!


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