Conversation with Esther #345767346

*ring*

*look at cellphone*

“Mom Cell”

*sighs*

*exhales*

“Hello?”

“HELLO????”

“Hello, Mom.”

“Hello, CP??? It’s your mother!”

“Yeah. That’s why I said ‘Hello, Mom’.”

“Oh, yeah. *insert cackle laughter* Okay.”

“What’s up, Mom?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to ask you a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Okay, so I’m at Dobies Funeral Home right now and I just wanted to know if you wanted me to have a ceremony for when I’m cremated.”

“You’re WHERE?”

“The funeral home.”

“Okay,” I reply. “Um, why?”

“Because I thought you and your brother would like to have a ceremony for me when I’m cremated.”

“Why would you need to have a ceremony to be cremated?”

“Well, I thought you two would like to have your friends over to see me. I just thought you’d want to be with me when I die.”

*silence*

“Mom? I will be with you when you die. You do understand that I can’t go to the crematorium with you though, right?”

“Oh, you can’t be there when they put me in that oven?”

“Um, no. And why they hell would I want to watch you be slid into a pizza oven?”

“So I should have a ceremony afterward then…”

“A ceremony for WHAT, Mom? You want to stick an urn of ashes on a podium and have us stand there and look at it? We can do that at home!”

“I just don’t want you to feel slighted,” she says.

“Why would I feel slighted?”

“What? You’re breaking up. You like it when I’m silent? Is that what you said?”

“Well, yes, I do like it when you’re silent, but that’s not what I said. I said, why would I feel slighted?”

“Well, because your brother is going to be dumping my ashes into the bay in Connecticut so I thought you would want some sort of ceremony for me to display my urn.”

“Ma, if you are just going to be dumped in the bay, why are you even getting an urn? Just let us take the ashes in the plastic baggie and the little pine box they come in, dump you out, go home, sit shiva, feed everyone and be done with it.”

“So you don’t want my ashes?”

“I’ll take a pinch out, stick it in an envelope and file it in my safe under ‘dead mother’.”

“You really love me, don’t you, CP.”

“With all my heart, Ma. With all my heart.”

7 thoughts on “Conversation with Esther #345767346

  1. CP

    Trish…she wasn’t really at Dobies. I was just using a funeral home name. She lives in NY…so obviously, she was not here…but that was the first name I could think of so I went with it.

    They will be handling MY cremation though.

    Reply

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