Long time since the last time…

It’s been 52 days since I relapsed. It sure feels like a lot longer. Not really sure why. I thought, when I checked the dates that it would surely be past 60 days by now. For some reason, addicts use 60 days as a target goal. So, I guess that’s the direction I am heading in.

Admittedly, it’s been hard. Talking so much about Tony has been a huge trigger for me. I have a hard time talking about him without wanting to use. I told my counselor this. When we did the EMDR (see last post) it had me completely frazzled. I was able to hear him, feel him…like I could feel his breath on my skin all over again.

Is it insane to think that there is a part of me that misses him? I guess that sounds nuts to many people. But, there were good things about him, when I wasn’t so scared of him. He made me feel protected for a long time. Ironic, because the one person I didn’t feel safe from was him. It’s crazy the way the mind works. I don’t discuss this with anyone, except here, in the safety of my blog. I know people would think I was nuts if I revealed this. I don’t mind you guys thinking I’m nuts.

I have 5 years worth of documentation on this site to prove that I am.

I can’t help but think of him though, especially lately. I have to admit…I do wonder where he is and how he is. Not necessarily in a good way, the way we wonder about old friends we haven’t seen in a long time. More in a curiousity sort of way. Is he still beating other women? Is he in prison? Has he learned his lesson finally? Did some woman finally reign him in? Has she learned how to control his temper?

And mostly, what did I do wrong that I wasn’t the one to be able to “fix” him?

I am a bit of a drama queen. This is nothing that people don’t know about me. I thrive on the adrenaline of the moment. With Tony, there was nothing but drama…and after awhile, it defined me. I couldn’t live without it, but I couldn’t live with it either.

People tell me to get over it. After all, it was 1991 when that baseball bat made contact with my head. It should be over now. I am in a better place. Much better. I am with a man who loves me, adores me, in fact. My children are safe. They are protected and secure. They have a father who loves them and a stepfather who worships them as though they were his own. I am a fortunate woman, no doubt.

But, there’s always those times. Those times I can smell that cologne…and it takes me away. Takes me back. And I dream. No nightmares. Just dreaming.

And I wonder…

11 thoughts on “Long time since the last time…

  1. Yo Momma

    I know a lot of friends who were in abusive relationships who feel the same way, so you know, you’re not strange. I think it comes with the package sometimes. Good for you on 52 days, seriously, one step at a time. I’m also really glad you’re doing therapy and going into the treatment with an open mind. 🙂

  2. Monique

    I’m a “fixer” too (an unsuccessful one at that). I think that comes out of childhood experiences and is out of control. All we can do is manage it. Congratulations on 52 days. My dad (a pharmacist) has 23 years in, but went to rehab 4 times before finally getting sober. You’ll get there.

  3. Ellen

    Don’t torture yourself if another woman fixed him – not possible. He is the only one who can fix him.

    Much more important is you are making yourself a priority so you can fix you, including being able to give and take love from the ones closest to you now.

    Will be keeping my fingers crossed you get to 60 days, and far beyond.

  4. DutchBitch

    I have not been in any situation like yours but I know that I still wonder about people that have hurt me. How they are doing, what happened to them… It’s a “fixer” thing, I guess…

    So I totally get that and the fact that aside from knówing you are better off without him, you still wonder about things…

  5. CP

    Chaos – Thank you. Makes me feel like not such a weirdo anymore.

    Momma – One step at a time is difficult sometimes. I think back to having 123 days before I had that relapse in August and it really bums me out. I was doing so well. It’s harder the second time around.

    Monique – 23 years sober. That’s amazing. I can’t wait til I can say that. And a pharmacist! Oy vey…that’s the LAST thing I would want to be around! LOL

    Ellen – I know I shouldn’t think about it. A long time ago, he got involved with another girl during a period that we split up. I went to her house, showed her all my pictures, my orders of protection, my police reports, etc. She had a little girl. I felt the need to show her what she was getting involved with. I was more afraid for her at one point than I was for myself. Tony came over and beat the living daylights out of me for doing that. We ended up getting back together…forcefully, of course. I should have kept my big mouth shut, but I couldn’t see him doing this to another woman. I don’t really regret it.

    Bitch – I know one day, I will stop wondering. I mean, hell…it’s been what, 18 years already. It still catches me off guard and I tend to fixate about it. I’m sure the day will come when I let myself go and get free from it.


  6. Bubblewench

    Hello! I came over to visit and get to know you a little since you will be at Avitween. WOW. I have found an amazingly strong woman here. Have been reading through your archives and I am blown away.

    Being a survivor of an abusive relationship too, I don’t think we ever do forget, and strangely think of them at the oddest moments. I am glad you are in therapy. It may hurt but in the long run, will help.

    Also I have been sober since I walked out on my abuser almost 5 years ago this month. 52 days is great, you can do it.

    See you this weekend, I really can’t wait to meet you!

    Shannon aka Bubblewench

  7. Nikki

    Princess,,,I can relate to you totally.

    I find myself at times remembering the “good” times,,and all the promises made to me, and the feeling of “thinking” I felt safe & secure.

    It fucking kills me that he still has that hold on me. Bastard!

    I know that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass for me. And has moved on, and i’ve warned the poor woman that’s with him,,just like his exwife warned me.
    And I KNOW no one can fix him,,not even himself,,,he’s that far gone.

    I’m a far better person now,,just like you are.
    We and all woman like us are Fabulous Bitches!!!

    Congrats on your days sober!!!


  8. CP

    Shannon! How fucking cool are you! You are visiting the guest list! OMG…you realize that makes you an amazing human being, right? This is the third year I am going to Adam’s Halloween fest and I can assure you, you are going to have the most amazing time. Everything else in your life will pale in comparison and you will grow depressed thereafter, but it is so worth it!
    I will be the “sexy nurse”…which isn’t really a stretch for me, since I AM a nurse and by God…I am damn sexy. Can’t wait to meet you too!

    Nikki – You’re right. We are fabulous bitches. That can never be taken away from us. We own that shit. Forever!


  9. Bubblewench

    CP – heh! I was surprised I only didn’t know 8 of the people (at least via blogs)off the list.. I find it easier to meet people when you ‘know’ them a little bit. It helps me w/my social anxiety.

    Would have emailed you back.. but you left no-reply comment!!

    REALLY looking forward to the party and seeing the sexy nurse!

    Right now, I’m just going as me.


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