My therapist said I was an angry person.
Really? No shit there.
I often wonder why I go to therapy. I mean, right now, it’s against my will. It’s part of my drug program requirement. Have to go to group drug counseling 5 days a week. Have to go to individual therapy. Have to go to at least one NA meeting a week. So, being as dutifully diligent as I am, I’m going.
However, I really don’t see the need to have a therapist tell me something that I have known for the past 42 years of my life.
I AM an angry person by nature. I have a lot to be angry about. Sure, I have a lot of great things in my life too. I am not discounting any of that. But, I have had a hair-trigger since…well, as long as I can remember. He said that it started out with my father leaving my mother when I was just a few years old. I really don’t think that’s it. Actually, I was kind of happy when he left. He was an emotionally abusive dick. He used to get off on making my mother cry. He punched holes in walls all the time when he was pissed off. When he announced that he was leaving (finally) I remember feeling thrilled. At seven years old, I knew this would be the start of a new life. No more walking on eggshells around this douchebag that I called a father. And, I do mean “father” in the loosest term possible. He wasn’t a father to my brother and I. Every birthday card I have from him is signed in my mothers handwriting. She was always compensating for him. And, while I knew this, I never let on to my mother. It made her feel good thinking she was doing something right by us.
As years went by, I was able to figure out for myself what a supreme reigning asshole he was. Eventually, my mother started agreeing with that theory and held nothing back. She told me every wonderful detail about the way he treated her. Too much for a nine year old to process, but I got the gist of it.
I thought I had buried all of that when we buried him. I was 19 when he died. I don’t even remember crying. I basically just mourned the loss the way I had since I was little. He was never around anyway, so I didn’t see much difference after he died.
But now, I have this therapist telling me that my “unprocessed” feelings about my father is what makes me so mad all the time. Hm. Could it be that I am just angry because of circumstances that piss me off? Can’t a person be legitmately angry without it having stem from an unreconciled past?
He told me that I don’t “get it”. And he’s right. I don’t. When I feel enraged about something (see post below), I feel the anger is legtimate and sometimes, even appropriate. He said the fact that I wanted to get on a plane to Utah and slaughter the woman who put our house into foreclosure is not a healthy response.
Well, duh. It’s not like I was going to do it. I just FELT that way at the moment. Surely I have some right to be angry about it.
So, I am doing my time in therapy like a good little angry addict. But, sometimes I really wonder what he intends on teaching me that I haven’t already learned.
This should be enlightening, if nothing else.