Things you didn’t know about me…

and probably don’t give a shit about. But, I want to let some stuff out, and…it is my blog, so here goes:

– I won a spelling bee when I was 11 years old. I beat out all the “smart kids” because I could spell the word “onomatopoeia”. I even knew what it meant. That was the crowning achievment of 5th grade for me.

– I lost my virginity when I was 12 years old. I don’t know why I did it. I was just interested. It wasn’t a good experience at all. He was older than me and I thought I was in love with him. All these years later, I still have a crush on the memory, despite the situation not being ideal.

– I fell in love at 14 years old and haven’t found that kind of love in my life since…until I met the hotband in 1999.

– I was raped outside of a nightclub that I worked at when I was 19 years old. Two men held me down and the other sodomized me with a beer bottle. He cut me from the anus to the vaginal opening. I needed 27 stitches to close the wound. I went back to work the next night. Never felt like a victim about it. Still don’t.

– I had my first baby at 20 years old with a guy that I was casually dating. He didn’t want me to keep the baby. I got rid of HIM instead. That baby is now 23 years old, the light of my life and she’s on her second child. I never regretted my decision.

– My father left us when I was seven years old. I practically packed his bags for him. I hated him. I was thrilled when he left because I knew that my family would be better off without him. I spent the rest of my life looking for a “daddy” figure in every man that walked in or out of my life.

– I married my first husband because he accepted the fact that I was a single mom. And, he was really good looking. There really wasn’t much more to it.

– I was arrested four times in my life. Two were for assault and battery. One was for welfare fraud. The last time was over a clerical error. I am a convicted felon and I have no problem with letting people know that.

– My children know that I stabbed my ex-boyfriend in self-defense. I don’t believe in hiding things from them. They know their mother is a little fucked in the head. I’m okay with that too.

– I dislike my mother. I love her, because she is my mother, but if we weren’t related, I wouldn’t choose to be her friend.

– People think I am a real bitch. I don’t even have to say a word. It’s just something that my face conveys. I do very little to change anyones perception of me. However, when you get to know me, I am actually very warm and loving. I don’t give that side of me to a lot of people.

– I don’t think I want to be a nurse anymore. I believe the passion has disappeared from my life when it comes to taking care of others.

– I watched a woman fall from 15 stories when I was 9 years old. She was raped and thrown off the roof of the building I lived in back in Queens, NY. The image of her head hitting the ground and the sound it made has stayed with me all these years. If I think about it long enough, I will cry. I never found out her name. I wish I knew her name.

– A babysitter of mine was murdered by an infamous serial killer back in the 1970’s. It stole a big chunk of my innocence and made me feel afraid for a long time.

– I am hysterically afraid of roaches. I know they can’t do anything to me, but they absolutely terrify me to the point where I cry. I do have a reason for this. I think I will make a post about it at another time.

– I have been in love with more than one person at one time. Sometimes up to three people at one time. No one person has ever fulfilled me completely. I feel empty inside about this most of the time.

– I cry in the shower sometimes for no reason.

– I am a cancer survivor. 8 years in remission.

– I have a secret that I will never share with anyone, even my husband.

– I had a two year relationship with a woman. It was probably the most spiritual thing I ever engaged in. She really understood me. I was never able to commit to her because I enjoyed the company of men too much. I hurt her terribly. I chalk it up to confusion…and college.

– I know certain family members have “discovered” my blog and think that I do not know they are reading it. I prefer to act like I am oblivious to that so it doesn’t interfere with my ability to write here openly and honestly. Just want them to know that I am aware…and really don’t give a shit.

– Most of the time, even when I am in a crowded room, I feel extremely alone.

– I was a self-mutilator for a long time. I never regretted doing it. I actually enjoyed the pain.

– I have a very deep love and admiration for my husband. I don’t think he realizes how much I admire him. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like him. It makes me jealous sometimes.

– I am not a very good listener. I am usually preoccupied with my own thoughts. I sometimes feign great interest in what someone is saying, while in my mind, I am not listening to them at all.

– I give great hugs.

– I yearn to break free sometimes. Just pack my bags and run off somewhere to be alone. I love my husband, my children and my grandchild…but sometimes, I just want to go explore places on my own. The perfect gift for me would be a weekend away, alone. I am still waiting for someone to be selfless enough to give that to me.

– I have no respect for authority but try desperately to instill the opposite in my children.

– The best sex I ever had in my life was with the person who battered me and beat me within an inch of my life. It was intense, frightening and overwhelming. I sometimes think there is something desperately wrong with me for feeling that way.

– I have spent 40 years of my life trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I still have no clue…and time is running out.

– I love being bipolar. I feel it makes me more interesting. I don’t like taking the pills that I take to make the symptoms subside. I feel they deaden the real me.

– I don’t think I would know “normal” if I tripped over it.

– On more than one occassion, my blog has saved my life.

14 thoughts on “Things you didn’t know about me…

  1. Jessie

    I know certain family members have “discovered” my blog and think that I do not know they are reading it. I prefer to act like I am oblivious to that so it doesn’t interfere with my ability to write here openly and honestly. Just want them to know that I am aware…and really don’t give a shit.

    I am adding this to my disclaimer. Break my face at will, but just letting you know before I totally and completely steal that statement.

    Reply
  2. CP

    Have at it, Jess. I am not sure how long they have been reading. I also suspect one of those people is my 14 year old son who stumbled across it on my history bar. I don’t care about that either. I am a pretty open book with my kids. There are many things about me that I do not offer to them, but if they learn it about me anyway, I have nothing to hide. If anything, I look at it as a way to document my existance and something for them to hold on to in the years following my demise. Who knows, they may turn it into a novel someday.

    However, for right now, I cannot afford to care about that. This blog is my outlet and my solace. If anyone questions me about anything I write here, I will certainly answer them.

    Feel free to grab it. I think everyone should be able to be that free with their thoughts and feelings and write them with complete abandon. What’s the point in writing a journal if you can’t have that?

    CP

    Reply
  3. CP

    It took me a long time to become a hugger. I have trust issues. Immense trust issues. I don’t like to get physically or mentally close to anyone. But one day, someone told me that my hug “healed” them. I found it to be a fascinating concept. Healing hugs. Could it be? So now, I hug people all the time…especially people I know don’t who don’t want to be hugged. They need it most of all.

    CP

    Reply
  4. MB

    You forgot to add how honest, brave and strong you are after all you’ve been through. I love the fact that you don’t care who is reading and don’t censor yourself in any way.

    Reply
  5. CP

    undercover – Thank you, that is a very nice thing to say.

    MB – sometimes i don’t feel very brave. it comes and goes. the person who is reading my blog might be one of my kids…so i’m not too happy about that. but, i will figure out who the culprit is eventually.

    avitable – yeah, let’s skip that one this year, okay?

    CP

    Reply
  6. Poppy

    I understand a lot of what you are saying here.

    I obviously have to be bipolar, but I’m undiagnosed and would rather stay this way than take a pill to make me any different than I already am. I love me like I am.

    Are you taking an inventory of your life?

    I randomly realize how many brutal, horrible things happen in Queens. Nothing like that really ever happened in VT and when it did it was a BIG DEAL for the entire community. Here I see a blog post or a newspaper article about someone shot, raped, brutally assaulted in any way, and it’s just a blip.

    Reply
  7. CP

    Poppy – Welcome to the joys of living in NY. I am taking inventory…that is one of the steps in NA/AA so I am working on that right now. I know what you are saying about not taking a pill, though. But, if I don’t, I do terrible things to myself and others. My BPD is pretty severe.

    CP

    Reply
  8. Sarcastica

    Oh CP 🙁
    this post just proves the fact that you are very strong and brave. You’ve been through worse horrors than a lot of people, and you’re still amazing.

    Reply
  9. CP

    Hey Sarcastica. I don’t know about strong so much as I can say I have learned to cope. But, as they say (who they hell are “they” anyway?) one day at a time. All anyone can do.

    Hopefully, someday…I’ll feel amazing.

    Good to see you.

    CP

    Reply

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