There’s something going on in the world today. Something bad.
I have found that, as of late, people are losing a lot of respect for one another. Perhaps this was always the case, but for me, it is far more prevailent now. What were once courteous situations are turning into tirades and I find that it is affecting my mood.
There’s definately something in the air.
Yesterday, at my group therapy session (a pretty way of saying “yesterday, when I was in a room full of addicts…”), there was conversation about how each one of us became addicted to our drug of choice. I told my story and discussed my addiction to percocet. Another nurse in the room began to question my story…explaining that just because I took some pills home from my job, that I was not to consider myself an addict. After all, she continued, nurses bring things home in their pockets accidentally all the time. Ah, I said…the key word there being “accidentally”. I didn’t do this by accident. It was very pre-meditated and done quite purposefully. Just because I chose to turn myself in instead of getting caught doesn’t make what I did any less a crime…or make me less of an addict.
Basically, I feel like I am always defending my position to this woman.
Finally, I blew up.
“Are you going to challenge me EVERY time I speak?”
“Huh,” she replied.
“I said, are you going to challenge everything I say everytime I speak. Let me know now…so I can gear up for battle every Tuesday.”
“I wasn’t challenging you. I was asking you a question.”
“Yes, but you only seem to ask questions when it is me who is talking. I haven’t seen you question anyone else about their meds, their motives or their means. It seems to me you have taken an unnatural interest in me.”
“Well obviously,” she says, “I must be a stupid fucking asshole, because I don’t get what you say most of the time. I need things repeated to me.”
“Now THERE is something we can both agree on,” I said, quite flippantly. Then, I realized that I was being just as malevolent as she was being. Nope. Not going to go there. This is supposed to be a safe haven; a place where I can focus on staying clean. Stressors and arguments are triggers for use and frankly, I am not ready to walk that road again so soon after a relapse.
And it dawned on me that I allowed someone else’s bullshit to take over my day. I walked around pissy and angry for the remainder. People who were just trying to do their job got the wrath of CP all day long. No one was safe. I even got bitchy with my kids.
I realized that I was contributing to the not so nice attitude that seems to be going on in the world lately.
I think it has to do with everyone being so on edge with the uncertainty of this economy and the new administration. People are trapped in their own heads and there is no room for anyone or anything else. The first thing we tend to forget are our manners and civility. And it’s understandable. These are very precarious times. People are walking around scared and confused. Where’s my next dollar coming from? Will we be able to keep our roof over our head for another month? How am I going to possibly afford college for little Suzy someday?
We’re all preoccupied.
So, with that in mind, I am pledging to be part of the solution as opposed to the problem. I am going to wear a smile on my face every single day that I stay in recovery. I am going to say hello to strangers, even if they snub me. I will be a little kinder to the kid in the McDonalds drive thru. I will remember the basics of “please” and “thank you”.
Hell, I might even start calling my mother more than once a week. Oy.
The change is gonna do me good.