Changes in the air…

There’s something going on in the world today. Something bad.

I have found that, as of late, people are losing a lot of respect for one another. Perhaps this was always the case, but for me, it is far more prevailent now. What were once courteous situations are turning into tirades and I find that it is affecting my mood.

There’s definately something in the air.

Yesterday, at my group therapy session (a pretty way of saying “yesterday, when I was in a room full of addicts…”), there was conversation about how each one of us became addicted to our drug of choice. I told my story and discussed my addiction to percocet. Another nurse in the room began to question my story…explaining that just because I took some pills home from my job, that I was not to consider myself an addict. After all, she continued, nurses bring things home in their pockets accidentally all the time. Ah, I said…the key word there being “accidentally”. I didn’t do this by accident. It was very pre-meditated and done quite purposefully. Just because I chose to turn myself in instead of getting caught doesn’t make what I did any less a crime…or make me less of an addict.

Basically, I feel like I am always defending my position to this woman.

Finally, I blew up.

“Are you going to challenge me EVERY time I speak?”

“Huh,” she replied.

“I said, are you going to challenge everything I say everytime I speak. Let me know now…so I can gear up for battle every Tuesday.”

“I wasn’t challenging you. I was asking you a question.”

“Yes, but you only seem to ask questions when it is me who is talking. I haven’t seen you question anyone else about their meds, their motives or their means. It seems to me you have taken an unnatural interest in me.”

“Well obviously,” she says, “I must be a stupid fucking asshole, because I don’t get what you say most of the time. I need things repeated to me.”

“Now THERE is something we can both agree on,” I said, quite flippantly. Then, I realized that I was being just as malevolent as she was being. Nope. Not going to go there. This is supposed to be a safe haven; a place where I can focus on staying clean. Stressors and arguments are triggers for use and frankly, I am not ready to walk that road again so soon after a relapse.

And it dawned on me that I allowed someone else’s bullshit to take over my day. I walked around pissy and angry for the remainder. People who were just trying to do their job got the wrath of CP all day long. No one was safe. I even got bitchy with my kids.

I realized that I was contributing to the not so nice attitude that seems to be going on in the world lately.

I think it has to do with everyone being so on edge with the uncertainty of this economy and the new administration. People are trapped in their own heads and there is no room for anyone or anything else. The first thing we tend to forget are our manners and civility. And it’s understandable. These are very precarious times. People are walking around scared and confused. Where’s my next dollar coming from? Will we be able to keep our roof over our head for another month? How am I going to possibly afford college for little Suzy someday?

We’re all preoccupied.

So, with that in mind, I am pledging to be part of the solution as opposed to the problem. I am going to wear a smile on my face every single day that I stay in recovery. I am going to say hello to strangers, even if they snub me. I will be a little kinder to the kid in the McDonalds drive thru. I will remember the basics of “please” and “thank you”.

Hell, I might even start calling my mother more than once a week. Oy.

The change is gonna do me good.

5 thoughts on “Changes in the air…

  1. MB

    Change is good but I’m not sure calling Esther more than once a week would be a good change for you. 😉

    Some people don’t want to accept change. The other day I saw a nickel on the ground so I picked it up and dropped it in the cup the “homeless” guy was holding and do you know what the bastard did when I walked past him? He threw it at me! WTF is that all about? Was it not enough? Just goes to show that even people who beg for change may not want it when they get it. (Sorry for the rant but your post made me think of this incident.)

    I hope your smiles are contagious.

  2. CP

    My smiles are more contagious than swine flu, baby. I have one of those big cheesy Julia Roberts/shark mouth smiles! LOL

    One day, I was paying a toll as I was driving on the highway. Randomly, I decided to tell the lady in the booth that I was also paying for the car behind me. It was just a gesture. Well, this dick pulls up alongside me and starts to scream at me that he doesn’t need his tolls paid for! Can you believe?? I was in shock! So much for pay it forward!


  3. MB

    Makes you wonder why people can’t just say “thank you” when you try to do something nice. I guess it’s true that no good deed goes unpunished but I’m still going to do them.

    Spread that big cheesy smile around – people need it desperately.

  4. Jack C. Young

    When celebrities and political leaders engage in the snarky put down, or out right verbal destruction of anyone who disagrees with them , it’s hardly surprising if J. Q. Public follows suit.
    It was amusing in 1968 to watch Gore Vidal tell Dore Schary “I’m gonna punch you in the goddam face” during coverage of the National Democratic convention that year. It’s not so amusing today when drive by shootings are the order of the day.
    I guess we’ve just got to try deliberate politeness and hope that it will catch on. I’m generally an optimist but I can’t help but wonder if I living in Cloud Cuckoo Land anymore.
    Keep going, friend. I admire your grit.

  5. CP

    I suppose what is really bothering me is watching people show up to Town Hall meetings toting guns, interrupting one another, heckling the speakers, etc. It sets a very poor tone for a meeting that is supposed to be productive. The whole issue of healthcare in this country is driving everyone batty and I believe it is spilling over into everyday life.

    Too much right now.


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