Esther saves the world…

So, we’re on our way to Kmart (yes, the Princess shops Kmart once in awhile. Don’t hate.) My father, mother, Sammi and I are in the car…a large overbearing Lexus SUV. (Way to preserve the gas sitch, Parents!) All of a sudden, as we are going to park, we see a car start rolling forward into a ravine. The car was originally parked but somehow managed to start sliding foward. It was about a three foot drop into this ravine.

Esther sees this happen and screeches…

“Harry! Stop the car!!!”

My father, oblivious to what is going on continues to drive and says “Whatsa mattah?”

“Stop the car, dammit! There’s a dog in that car! Stop the car!”

Now, you have to know something about my mother. If a child was on fire, she wouldn’t be bothered to piss on it to put it out. However, if a dog is in trouble, she will leap into action like fucking Wonder Woman with a big D on her chest for “Doglover”.

My father slows the car down. We’re doing about 5 mph when Esther decides to swing the car door open and literally hurls herself from the car. She stumbles, hits her knee, gets up and starts running in the direction of the car that is slowly sliding down into the ravine. She does the fat lady run toward the car (Y’all know the fat lady run…it’s more like a waddle than an actual run) and puts out her hands like she is going to stop the car single handedly.

“There’s a dog,” she exclaims! “There’s a dog in the car!!!”

Someone calls 911 to let them know that there is a crazy fat chick trying to pull a dog from a car. People gather around. Sammi and I are pissing ourselves with laughter in the backseat. My father is yelling…”Esther! ESTHER!! Get back in the car, Esther! Are you fucking crazy???”

The car is now fully in the ravine and so is my mother. She’s yanking on the car doors…”get the dog! Get the dog!!”

Police come.

“Lady,” the officer sighs, “there is no dog in the car.”

“YES THERE IS!”

“No Ma’am. There is no dog in this car!”

“It’s a small dog! I saw it! It must be scared and hiding under the car seats!”

The owner of the car comes out, coincidentally, and sees her car in the ravine.

“What the hell happened to my car,” she exclaims! “Who did this to my car?”

Esther leaps like a fucking frog onto the dry land and says, “How dare you leave your dog in the car with all your windows rolled up like that! Who the hell do you think you are!?”

Sammi and I continue to piss all over the car. My father throws his hands up in the air like he is completely fed up. He tells Sam and I to shut the fuck up. This only makes us laugh harder. He gets out of the truck and away from Sam and my hysterics.

The lady, dumbfounded by what has happened to her car, says, “What the hell are you talking about? I don’t have a dog in my car! I don’t even own a dog!”

Esther was not to be denied. “I saw it with my own eyes, Officer,” she says to the cop. “Open the door and you will see the dog. You need to arrest this woman!”

“Arrest ME,” she screeches. “Someone needs to lock YOU the fuck up! Look what you did to my car!”

“I didn’t do shit to your car. I was trying to rescue your dog, you imbecile.”

“For the third time, I DONT OWN A DOG. THERE IS NO DOG IN MY CAR.”

One of the cops shimmies his way down the three foot slope and into the one foot of water in the ravine. He looks into the woman’s window again. “There is no dog in this car,” he says. “I’ve checked twice. We need a tow truck. Lady,” he says, addressing the woman who owns the car, “Your car was in neutral.”

“I want to press charges,” says Esther.

“For what??” says the woman.

“For endangerment,” she says. “I jumped out of my car to save the dog and she was responsible for my injuries.”

“YOUR injuries?”

“YES,” yells Esther. “If your car hadn’t slipped down the ravine, I wouldn’t have ran to save it and hurt my knee. I jumped from my car you know,” she tells the officer, all proud of herself…like a bad episode of Charlie’s Angels.

“Lady,” says the cop, “there was no dog in the car. There was nothing for you to save. You didn’t need to jump out of the car.”

My father tries to pull her away and back into the car where Sam and I are dangling out of the tailgate, hysterically laughing and making sure not to miss a word of this melee.

“C’mon, Esther. Let’s go,” he says. He tries to pull her away.

“This is YOUR fault,” she says to my father.

“MY FAULT”, he says! “How is this MY fault??”

“You didn’t stop the car. If you had completely stopped the car, I would have seen that there wasn’t a dog in the car and none of this would have happened. Now I hurt my knee and broke a nail, goddammit.”

“Okay, Esther,” my father sighs. “It’s my fault.”

“As long as you know it,” she says. “Let’s go to the diner. I’m starving.”

21 thoughts on “Esther saves the world…

  1. Mahala

    OMG! Esther is a super hero!! Did you like.. inherit any of her super powers?

    (That was the funniest thing I’ve read in forever.. thanks.. I needed it!)

    Reply
  2. CP

    mahala – It was the funniest shit I had ever seen in 41 years. Seriously.

    Red – Oh, you don’t know how I was kicking myself for not having my digital with me.

    CP

    Reply
  3. dawn

    My dog, Artie, thinks Esther is the cat’s meow. Errr, so to speak. Even if there was no dog to save…

    Of course, the fact that there was no dog to save made this hysterical, rather than making Esther a martyr. Either way, your mom deserves a crown.

    Reply
  4. The Muser

    Oh. My. GAWD, CP. I literally read this and pissed my pants laughing. Which, I guess for a full term pregnant lady who’s due to give birth any day, isn’t really saying much, but STILL. Holy crap, I’m still laughing out loud.

    Seriously, you need to take this on the road. Margaret Cho has made a whole stand up comedy career out of making fun of her mother’s answering machine messages. But your Esther stories kick Margaret Cho’s mom’s stories’ ASS.

    I seriously wish you had a video camera to capture that incident. It would surely be a top 10 YouTube moment, no question. Next time you visit Esther be sure to have a camera with you at all times.

    Can’t wait to hear more about your trip, with stories like this!

    Reply
  5. Ladybug1580

    OMG I was laughing for a good 5 minutes after I read this AND I would laugh if I thought about it during the day, which made some meetings at work go by a lot faster than they otherwise would have. I’m sure my coworkers thought I had finally gone of the deep end. You are hilarious, and the way you write this stuff really does translate the hilarity of the moment. I love your blogs!

    Reply
  6. MaryO

    OH what to say, what to say. Honestly the story speaks for it self. Did you not have a video thing on your phone? I SO would have had to use that. You could have made some money off that for sizzle.

    Reply
  7. Anonymous

    I thought this sounded familiar…

    From 4/5/07 “Last year, my mother, my daughter, my father, my brother and I were all going out to *shivers* Kmart, of all places. My mother, the avid dog lover, needed a new collar and leash set for her big assed pit bull, Maxi. (How something named after a feminine hygiene product can be threatening is beyond me. Then again, my cat is named Mini…so I guess it depends on your flow). Anyway, we are searching for a parking spot when all of a sudden, Esther screams…

    “HAROLD! STOP THE CAR! STOP THE FUCKING CAR!!!”

    Then the lunatic, fat bitch from hell does a tuck and roll out the side passenger door of the car. My father had slowed down to 10 miles per hour when the freak opted to jump from the car. Mind you, this is a BIG woman with hip, leg and knee problems. She goes half limping, half galloping over to this car that is rolling out of a parking spot. Rolling…and heading for a ditch.”

    Still funny as crap though.

    Reply

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