So, we’re on our way to Kmart (yes, the Princess shops Kmart once in awhile. Don’t hate.) My father, mother, Sammi and I are in the car…a large overbearing Lexus SUV. (Way to preserve the gas sitch, Parents!) All of a sudden, as we are going to park, we see a car start rolling forward into a ravine. The car was originally parked but somehow managed to start sliding foward. It was about a three foot drop into this ravine.
Esther sees this happen and screeches…
“Harry! Stop the car!!!”
My father, oblivious to what is going on continues to drive and says “Whatsa mattah?”
“Stop the car, dammit! There’s a dog in that car! Stop the car!”
Now, you have to know something about my mother. If a child was on fire, she wouldn’t be bothered to piss on it to put it out. However, if a dog is in trouble, she will leap into action like fucking Wonder Woman with a big D on her chest for “Doglover”.
My father slows the car down. We’re doing about 5 mph when Esther decides to swing the car door open and literally hurls herself from the car. She stumbles, hits her knee, gets up and starts running in the direction of the car that is slowly sliding down into the ravine. She does the fat lady run toward the car (Y’all know the fat lady run…it’s more like a waddle than an actual run) and puts out her hands like she is going to stop the car single handedly.
“There’s a dog,” she exclaims! “There’s a dog in the car!!!”
Someone calls 911 to let them know that there is a crazy fat chick trying to pull a dog from a car. People gather around. Sammi and I are pissing ourselves with laughter in the backseat. My father is yelling…”Esther! ESTHER!! Get back in the car, Esther! Are you fucking crazy???”
The car is now fully in the ravine and so is my mother. She’s yanking on the car doors…”get the dog! Get the dog!!”
“Lady,” the officer sighs, “there is no dog in the car.”
“YES THERE IS!”
“No Ma’am. There is no dog in this car!”
“It’s a small dog! I saw it! It must be scared and hiding under the car seats!”
The owner of the car comes out, coincidentally, and sees her car in the ravine.
“What the hell happened to my car,” she exclaims! “Who did this to my car?”
Esther leaps like a fucking frog onto the dry land and says, “How dare you leave your dog in the car with all your windows rolled up like that! Who the hell do you think you are!?”
Sammi and I continue to piss all over the car. My father throws his hands up in the air like he is completely fed up. He tells Sam and I to shut the fuck up. This only makes us laugh harder. He gets out of the truck and away from Sam and my hysterics.
The lady, dumbfounded by what has happened to her car, says, “What the hell are you talking about? I don’t have a dog in my car! I don’t even own a dog!”
Esther was not to be denied. “I saw it with my own eyes, Officer,” she says to the cop. “Open the door and you will see the dog. You need to arrest this woman!”
“Arrest ME,” she screeches. “Someone needs to lock YOU the fuck up! Look what you did to my car!”
“I didn’t do shit to your car. I was trying to rescue your dog, you imbecile.”
“For the third time, I DONT OWN A DOG. THERE IS NO DOG IN MY CAR.”
One of the cops shimmies his way down the three foot slope and into the one foot of water in the ravine. He looks into the woman’s window again. “There is no dog in this car,” he says. “I’ve checked twice. We need a tow truck. Lady,” he says, addressing the woman who owns the car, “Your car was in neutral.”
“I want to press charges,” says Esther.
“For what??” says the woman.
“For endangerment,” she says. “I jumped out of my car to save the dog and she was responsible for my injuries.”
“YES,” yells Esther. “If your car hadn’t slipped down the ravine, I wouldn’t have ran to save it and hurt my knee. I jumped from my car you know,” she tells the officer, all proud of herself…like a bad episode of Charlie’s Angels.
“Lady,” says the cop, “there was no dog in the car. There was nothing for you to save. You didn’t need to jump out of the car.”
My father tries to pull her away and back into the car where Sam and I are dangling out of the tailgate, hysterically laughing and making sure not to miss a word of this melee.
“C’mon, Esther. Let’s go,” he says. He tries to pull her away.
“This is YOUR fault,” she says to my father.
“MY FAULT”, he says! “How is this MY fault??”
“You didn’t stop the car. If you had completely stopped the car, I would have seen that there wasn’t a dog in the car and none of this would have happened. Now I hurt my knee and broke a nail, goddammit.”
“Okay, Esther,” my father sighs. “It’s my fault.”
“As long as you know it,” she says. “Let’s go to the diner. I’m starving.”