How rumors get started…

Myself and two co-workers were chatting in the late overnight hours two days ago. Nora, being a former veteranarian tech was talking to Melissa about a problem her Rotweiller was having. A few certified nursing assistants were mulling around the area, not giving much attention to what we were saying…so we thought.

“He keeps scratching his ass on the carpet,” Melissa laments. “And this gross fluid comes out when he does it! It smells nasty!”

“Does he seem to be in any pain,” Nora asks.

“Everytime my boyfriend or I try to pick Herman up, he cries. Something must be bothering him or hurting him. He keeps rubbing his ass on the carpet and whimpering.”

“It sounds like it is his anal sac,” says Nora. It’s like an inverted hemmorrhoid for a dog.”

“So, what do you do for that,” I ask.

“Basically,” Nora begins, “you have to reach inside the anus, pull the sac out and squeeze the fluids out of it.”

I broke out into a fit of laughter. “Yeah, Melissa. Just stick your hand up his ass and squeeze. That should do the trick. Works for MY husband.”

We all fall into a fit of laughter. Conversation over…so we thought.

Enter my friend Jaime. After being off for two days, she has the need to fill me in on all the local gossip going on in the nursing home.

“Did you hear what happened to Melissa? She’s having some issues at home.”

“Really,” I ask, my ears perking up. “What’s the problem?”

“Apparently, and I heard this from Patty…Melissa and her man are having trouble with stuff in the bedroom.”

“What? What kind of stuff?”

“It seems that she wants to have anal sex, but everytime he gets hard, fluid comes out when it goes up and he cries.”


“Jaime. Melissa has a dog, named Herman who is having trouble with his anal sac. It’s leaking fluid and everytime they lift the dog up, he cries in pain.”

*blank stare*

“Whatever,” says Jaime. “I liked it my way better.”

19 thoughts on “How rumors get started…

  1. Yo Momma

    hahahaha! That is so true though, even if the juicer story is so not true, we love to believe it. HILARIOUS!!!!

    in other news, CP I wanted to tell you that the midget won a radio contest to see my girlfriend and yours (MADONNA) perform live in NYC on April 30th!!! My first time in NYC and its to see the QUEEN!!!!!


  2. Amber

    Well at least you TRIED to correct her and bring an end to the gossip.

    At least, that’s what the little angel on my right shoulder is saying.

    The little devil on my left shoulder is cackling and whispering, “you know what would have been great? Is if you’d said, ‘really? I heard that her husband told her that he’s been gay for a long time but hasn’t had the heart to tell her because he loves her. And in an attempt to save her marriage, they’ve started having nothing but anal sex so her butt is sore ALL the time and now she’s having some anal discharge and doesn’t know if you can get some kind of Butt STD.”

    Who says I couldn’t write a soap opera??

    *Disclaimer: I am in no way homophobic and this is NOT bashing people who prefer the same gender in the bedroom. That is THEIR business and I love people on an individual basis; their color, sexual preference, favorite football team, or whether they have bigger boobs than me, etc. does not play any part in whether or not I consider them a friend or someone I’d like to befriend.

    Just for the record!

  3. Maven

    If Melissa lived closer, I’d ask to dog sit for her on the night of the first seder and bring the dog to my brother’s house… leaky anal glands ‘n all.


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