I am in big trouble right now. Big trouble. I can’t get into it right now and I hate being so vague. I want to pour my heart out to all of you in hopes of someone helping me to get it right, but I can’t right now. I will. It will come out. It always does. I am ashamed of myself and despite that, I am not ready to be punished for my actions. No, I didn’t kill anyone…but I might as well have. It is very hard to admit that you are disgusted with yourself. It’s hard to look at my face in the mirror right now and find any semblance of a good person there. I know she exists…she just has bigger problems right now. I can’t hurdle this one alone. I can’t. I fucked up big time. (No, it has nothing to do with me and the hotband…my life is more perfect than it should be. I don’t deserve it…or him.)
I have already reached out to God for some help or hope. I don’t feel like He is giving it to me right now because I turned my back on Him as of late. I am struggling with something that is much bigger than I am…and if you have seen me, you know I am a damn big hunk of woman.
I am surviving by listening to Beatle’s music. I am trying to let the words to certain songs, like “Let it Be” heal me. No one thus far is speaking words of wisdom to me. I am at war with myself right now.
I promise to open up about this problem before the end of the week. For right now, if you can find it within you to throw a prayer, some good vibes, some positive karma or whatever it is you do in my direction…I will be humbled and grateful.
I am completely lost right now. I am in need of saving…and fast.
Someone please say something. Anything. Please.