Dear Friends…

I am in big trouble right now. Big trouble. I can’t get into it right now and I hate being so vague. I want to pour my heart out to all of you in hopes of someone helping me to get it right, but I can’t right now. I will. It will come out. It always does. I am ashamed of myself and despite that, I am not ready to be punished for my actions. No, I didn’t kill anyone…but I might as well have. It is very hard to admit that you are disgusted with yourself. It’s hard to look at my face in the mirror right now and find any semblance of a good person there. I know she exists…she just has bigger problems right now. I can’t hurdle this one alone. I can’t. I fucked up big time. (No, it has nothing to do with me and the hotband…my life is more perfect than it should be. I don’t deserve it…or him.)

I have already reached out to God for some help or hope. I don’t feel like He is giving it to me right now because I turned my back on Him as of late. I am struggling with something that is much bigger than I am…and if you have seen me, you know I am a damn big hunk of woman.

I am surviving by listening to Beatle’s music. I am trying to let the words to certain songs, like “Let it Be” heal me. No one thus far is speaking words of wisdom to me. I am at war with myself right now.

I promise to open up about this problem before the end of the week. For right now, if you can find it within you to throw a prayer, some good vibes, some positive karma or whatever it is you do in my direction…I will be humbled and grateful.

I am completely lost right now. I am in need of saving…and fast.

Someone please say something. Anything. Please.

43 thoughts on “Dear Friends…

  1. Becky

    The first thing that goes through my mind when reading this is simply 1 John 1:9 that says If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

    Whatever it is, you will get through it. And while I only lurk here (until now) I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers..

    Hang in there.

    Reply
  2. Jan B

    My sister told me something that stuck with me. When you screw up, apologize. Don’t give reasons why you did what you did, just say, “I’m so sorry and I swear I will NEVER do it again, please forgive me.”

    I have had to do that in my life. It’s not easy. It hurts, but it helps too.

    Reply
  3. Big Mama

    CP, you know that deep in your heart you are a very wonderful, kind, loving and giving person, we all know that too. God is very forgiving and he would tell you just what I tell my children,”there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you.” We are here for you, the good, the bad and the ugly (but for some reason there is never ugly over here…*grin*).

    Sending you love, big soft warm comfy hugs and good karma.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Everyone screws up…sometimes its huge, sometimes not quite as huge as we imagine while tormenting ourselves with it.

    Just know that you have a lot of love around you, both from your life and here in “blog life” and the people who love you, love you for who you are, not what you do.

    We will all be here when you are ready…

    Reply
  5. Helen

    I am sending my prayers, good vibes and karma right at you. Hold in there, I’m sure something will make it get better.

    Don’t feel you have to talk about it until you’re good and ready.

    xxx

    Reply
  6. Sodapop

    You are a good person. We all make mistakes. you are not a bad person for fucking up. I will send you positive thoughts and include you in my prayers. Whatever it is, this too shall pass.

    *hugs*

    Reply
  7. Leave It To Cleavage

    I just want you to know you’re not alone. There is a whole cyber world out there of people who adore you and who will hear what you have to say and not pass judgment on you. We’re all here when you are ready to talk.

    Reply
  8. DutchBitch

    Awww Hon, I can’t imagine a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g SO bad that you’d be disgusted with yourself. Not because there’s not many bad things a person could do but because you are such a great wonderful person and whatever it is you have done or felt or thought, you still are. And you must know that we ALL love you to bits!!!

    Let me know if there is anything I can do for ya, babe.

    Reply
  9. Tiffany

    I am new to your site and it is your wit and charm that has me checking your site every day.

    Stay strong and when you are ready to talk know that people are here to help you.

    Reply
  10. Tense Teacher

    Honey, I doubt it is as bad as you think. You’ve got a heart of gold and have helped far more people than you’ve hurt in your lifetime. Remember that, and I will most certainly be praying for you.

    Love you.

    Reply
  11. bookfraud

    hang in there, cp. things may seem bad now, but you were persevere, whatever the problem might be. let go, let god, do whatever it takes. you’re in my thoughts.

    Reply
  12. adena

    CP- We love you, and you’re NOT a bad person.

    SO, you made a mistake. Who hasn’t? We’re human, and we all fuck up, give in to whatever temptations that may be out there, and feel like we’ve irrevocably screwed up our lives.

    It will get better.

    Give it time. We’re all here for you!

    Reply
  13. prplecat

    I pray that you and everyone in your life are surrounded by God’s peace. Breathe it in deeply, and calm your spirit. Whatever has happened, it can be fixed!

    Reply
  14. cajunvegan

    My own words fail me right now, but I came across this quote a few days ago. It seems appropriate here:

    “Strong people make as many mistakes as weak people. Difference is that strong people admit their mistakes, laugh at them, learn from them. That is how they become strong.”

    ~Richard Needham

    Reply
  15. Sarahbell

    Sending good vibes and good thoughts your way, all the way from the other side of the country. Hang in there chica, we all fuck up sometimes, and things usually seem to work themselves out.

    xoxox

    Reply
  16. BPD in OKC

    I’m right there with you. I’ve made a terrible mistake and am lost on how to fix it. I haven’t blogged about it because I’m scared to. It’s a huge life-altering, life will never be the same, type mistake.

    If you want to talk, check me out on my blog: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com.

    Reply
  17. Sue

    We all make mistakes, bad judgment calls, errors — whatever you want to call it. Some of us have even done criminal things and not been caught — I call it being human. One of the things that I have learned is that getting it off your chest helps — to a therapist, a friend or us — whatever works for you. The more you stew in it the worse it will feel. None of us are hear to judge you, we read you and spend time here because we love you and care about you. You are a terrific person. Remember that.

    Reply
  18. Big Pissy

    Honey, like everyone else has said: everybody makes mistakes. That’s what makes us human….warts and all.

    That being said: know that you’ve got us all out here…sending you good vibes.

    hugs,
    Pissy

    Reply
  19. Lex

    Wishing you the best in getting through this. You always come through the pitfalls. I’m guessing it’s because you are so bravely honest and transparent. You’ll get through this too.

    Hugs.

    Reply
  20. Anonymous

    Don’t worry CP. Everyone makes mistakes and God knows we can’t be perfect. You’re a great person though you don’t feel that way at the moment. Remember we all say and do things that we don’t mean or feel ashamed of. It’s called being human. We’re all here for you CP. Hang in there.

    Reply
  21. Just lil o me...

    As all of the other commenters have said – we all make mistakes; I for one will forgive you and still care about you.
    When you’re ready, we will read, non-judgementally and support you as best we can.
    Good Karma and (((HUGS))),
    kat

    Reply
  22. Carmel Beauty

    It will be okay take a deep breath. Apogolize mean it and move on. EVERYONE makes mistakes there is not one perfect person on this earth. If God can forgive you and he will then everybody else should be able to too.

    Reply
  23. D-HOR

    Aw CP I’m sorry, I know it’s lame cuz I’m new here but after reading your entire blog I feel like I know you a tiny weeee tiny bit, and I sort of care for that tiny wee bit I “know” you know? I promise, PROMISE that I will pray every day for you untill you say you’re ok.

    And you HAVE to know I’m telling the truth cuz I can’t lie about PRAYING, that’d be kind of a punk ass thing to do and Jesus would SO bust my ass.

    Okay, so praying, we’re praying.

    Reply
  24. Vanda

    Dear CP. I don’t do the God thing but I can keep you in my thoughts. Sending you giant healing hugs from across the pond.{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}.

    I remember something told to me a long time ago by a friend, give it to God and then let go. Forgive yourself sweetie, you are human and we all make mistakes.

    Reply

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